Right Here, Right Now

I have about 5 posts-worth of material in me right now, but I'm going to edit down.

I have amazing friends.  They are the absolute best.  On Thursday I got flowers from some to commemorate the day I married my best friend.  I got texts sending love, just as I do on the "sadiversary" each month.  One sends me ridiculous books to take my mind off the heavy stuff (grief, stats class, whatever!)  They are always offering to help with Max and Maddy.  They're sending their husbands to paint Max's room.  On Thursday night, my big group of girlfriends here in Chicago came over to be with me and my MIL.  I wasn't sure if it was going to be a tear-fest or what.  I pulled the wedding albums, and they all came in the shirts our one friend made for the softball team we played on (well, I played for one or two seasons...but I did go cheer him on when it wasn't too hot!) - light blue (JP's favorite color), with Red Sox logo and the team name (Happy Hour), and JP's initials.  We all put them on and took a picture:

It was a great night.  I had some emotional conversations with girls one-on-one, but for the most part we just drank (a lot) and laughed.  A very fitting tribute to JP and to our relationship.  He would be glad to know that our friends are taking such good care of me.

The following day, my Big Scary Statistics Case Study was assigned.  But I was feeling very strongly that I should be making the most of each day.  Did I want to look back and remember how I spent my MIL's whole visit shut in my room doing homework, or did I want to do fun things with her and Max, and make the most of the end of the nice weather?  

We went to the Nature Museum and checked out the wonderful butterfly habitat.  Max loved it.  

On Saturday we went to Apple Fest.  It was cold, so we made quick work of it, gulping down hot apple cider and stuffing our faces with delicious apple pie.  And my MIL left, my parents arrived, and I got a little mental health time with a widow friend.  It makes me sad that I know someone else in this shitty boat, but after a crazy week stressing about my parents being gone, the dog having therapy and surgery (tooth extraction) and trying to manage more Max time and school and cooking, etc., it was good to be with someone who Gets It.  And to drink a lot of wine with her ;)

Sunday was Max's first trip to the circus.  Not the Big Top - it was this little traveling troupe with costumes that mostly looked like 80s dance recital leftovers, and music that sounded like a Quentin Tarantino soundtrack (and at times a 70s porno soundtrack...)  Max loved it.  He danced, he marveled at the acrobatic feats, he barked at the dog jumping through hoops.  It was so fun, and he loved seeing all the other kids, of course.  We even had a celebrity sighting - the guy who plays Steve in SATC (he's in that new show Chicago Fire).

After the circus, I left Max with my parents and went out for some wine time with a few friends.  I may need to detox for a while!

Last night I dreamt about JP.  It's only the 3rd dream I've had of him (that I have recalled upon waking, at least).  And it was frustrating.  The part that featured him was brief.  He was in a car, and was going to lodge a complaint with a candy company about a hard candy they made (I think they were cough drops - I went to bed with a sore throat and in the dream I remember them tasting like the Burt's Bees lozenges) with a flavor called "Glass Cleaner" (I know - gross).  I can't remember exactly what his beef was with the company, whether it was that his company already had a candy with the flavor, or that it was false advertising because it didn't taste like glass cleaner...but I kept trying to get in the car with him, and he kept telling me that I couldn't go with him because he wasn't really there.  Even in the dream I knew it was because he's dead.  I woke up feeling so frustrated - why can't I at least experience one of his hugs, or just sharing a space with him, in my dreams?

Now I'm just trying to get through this case study.  Until Friday at 12pm (or whenever I give up on making any more progress), that is my sole focus.  I have no idea whether I even understand what I'm being asked to do, which scares me.  But at the same time...I kind of feel like I just need to pass.  It's one class.  One assignment.  I've done what I can today, and will resume tomorrow.  For now, I'm going to put sheets on my bed because I've been sleeping on top of my comforter since Saturday!