On Friday I had my first birthday as a widow. And thanks to the support of my amazing friends, I managed to get through it without any major meltdowns. Happy? I don't know. Not while I was sober...but I had a fun group out with me that night, and I definitely managed to compartmentalize and enjoy the evening. There are parts I don't remember, and that might not be such a bad thing.
So, one more milestone checked off the list. Survived.
Next up is the one-two punch of Valentine's Day and the one-year mark. My friend Erica, one of my superstar friends, is coming to be with me, arriving Thursday night. I have made a promise to myself and to JP that she and I will have fun together despite how awful Friday will be. He loved her, and I know he would want me to have fun with her while she's here being the amazing support system she has been through this and so much else.
And JP's mom is here for the week. She and Max are having an absolute blast. She is so impressed by how verbal he is, and how amazing in general. He wakes up from naps looking for Grammy, and has just completely taken to her. It warms my heart to see them together.
They're going to have a long day tomorrow, with me being out of the house for school from 1pm until 9:30pm, but I'm sure they'll do fine. I was pretty stressed about this week, with all the work I have to do, and the weather making it so that there are no options for outdoor activities, but I'm realizing that what needs to get done will get done, and I just have to let go a little. It will all be fine.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Heartbreak
February strikes again.
Yesterday I received the heartbreaking news that a dear friend lost her baby, more than halfway through her pregnancy. I simply cannot imagine what she must be going through right now. And on top of that devastating loss, she is recovering from emergency surgery. My heart is breaking for her and her family. As I have mentioned before, I have a hard time processing others' losses, as I have no choice but to filter everything through my own grief. The loss of a child is the only thing I can imagine as being worse than the loss of a spouse. I don't want to even think about the emotions she must be feeling now, and indeed will feel forever. I can only hope that her physical healing goes quickly, and that she is able to find some peace in the future.
This friend is a tough cookie. She has her head screwed on right, has always been very pragmatic, and has a warm, sparkling personality. She has a wonderful sense of humor, and doesn't take herself, or anyone else, too seriously. She is a fiercely loyal friend, and she is the kind of girl you want to have on your side (she can be a bit intimidating!) I hope for her sake, and for that of her family, that she pulls through this with the strength and perseverance that I have always seen in her. I hope she doesn't lose her ability to laugh, to be light.
I hope that when she is ready to talk, or to cry, that she will be able to call me and know that I want her to share with me.
Seriously, February, are you kidding me?
Yesterday I received the heartbreaking news that a dear friend lost her baby, more than halfway through her pregnancy. I simply cannot imagine what she must be going through right now. And on top of that devastating loss, she is recovering from emergency surgery. My heart is breaking for her and her family. As I have mentioned before, I have a hard time processing others' losses, as I have no choice but to filter everything through my own grief. The loss of a child is the only thing I can imagine as being worse than the loss of a spouse. I don't want to even think about the emotions she must be feeling now, and indeed will feel forever. I can only hope that her physical healing goes quickly, and that she is able to find some peace in the future.
This friend is a tough cookie. She has her head screwed on right, has always been very pragmatic, and has a warm, sparkling personality. She has a wonderful sense of humor, and doesn't take herself, or anyone else, too seriously. She is a fiercely loyal friend, and she is the kind of girl you want to have on your side (she can be a bit intimidating!) I hope for her sake, and for that of her family, that she pulls through this with the strength and perseverance that I have always seen in her. I hope she doesn't lose her ability to laugh, to be light.
I hope that when she is ready to talk, or to cry, that she will be able to call me and know that I want her to share with me.
Seriously, February, are you kidding me?
Monday, February 4, 2013
The Big Game
First Super Bowl without JP. I think if the Patriots had been in it, it would have been incredibly difficult. As it was, I paid little attention to the game, and managed to have a nice time.
The first Super Bowl I watched with JP was in 2004, Patriots versus Panthers. I remember we accidentally ended up at a Carolina bar in NYC. The owner was a former star of Duke's basketball team. And we had been referencing Office Space, and then a couple minutes later, Ron Livingston came in and sat right by us. Weird. And when the Pats won, the bar owner brought us a cheese and sausage platter as well as a bottle of champagne. So nice! The following year, I think we went to another bar. I know we were in NYC, but I can't remember details. In 2006, I was about to move to Chicago and things were a little strained between us. I think that I was in MA and he was in Chicago. In 2007, we had thrown my birthday party the night before, and my guess is that we watched it by ourselves at his condo. In 2008, we were in DC and the Pats were playing the Giants. I just remember that we turned off the tv with 2 minutes to go, and went to bed. The next day, JP got to work to find that his Giants fan assistant had put Giants posters all over his office, in all his drawers, etc. Pretty good prank. In 2009, I think we threw a party. We were back in Chicago, and I remember thinking I would never throw another Super Bowl party because I didn't get to watch any of the game or commercials due to being on hostess duty. This was right before we got Maddy, before we went to St. John. 2010 and 2011 I have to say I don't remember. I am guessing that we had done my karaoke 30th birthday party the night before the 2010 game, based on the dates. In 2011 I was pregnant, so I'm guessing we just watched it at home, but I really don't remember.
Last year, all 3 of us put on all our Pats attire. JP had been so excited about Max's first Super Bowl. We expected a Patriots victory, of course. Max didn't last much longer than kickoff, and neither did the Pats. Once again, after a disappointing loss to the Giants, the jerseys were stripped off and tossed into the closet before the game ended, and we vowed not to speak of football until the next season. Little did we know, there would be no next season. Little did we know that our time together would end in 10 days' time.
This time of year used to be exciting. Even if the Patriots weren't in the Super Bowl, I always enjoyed watching it with JP. And now it's just another crappy part of a horrible month. I'm glad I did something different, with people who didn't know JP. I think that helped. But I was missing my football fanatic, and I always will on Super Bowl Sunday.
The first Super Bowl I watched with JP was in 2004, Patriots versus Panthers. I remember we accidentally ended up at a Carolina bar in NYC. The owner was a former star of Duke's basketball team. And we had been referencing Office Space, and then a couple minutes later, Ron Livingston came in and sat right by us. Weird. And when the Pats won, the bar owner brought us a cheese and sausage platter as well as a bottle of champagne. So nice! The following year, I think we went to another bar. I know we were in NYC, but I can't remember details. In 2006, I was about to move to Chicago and things were a little strained between us. I think that I was in MA and he was in Chicago. In 2007, we had thrown my birthday party the night before, and my guess is that we watched it by ourselves at his condo. In 2008, we were in DC and the Pats were playing the Giants. I just remember that we turned off the tv with 2 minutes to go, and went to bed. The next day, JP got to work to find that his Giants fan assistant had put Giants posters all over his office, in all his drawers, etc. Pretty good prank. In 2009, I think we threw a party. We were back in Chicago, and I remember thinking I would never throw another Super Bowl party because I didn't get to watch any of the game or commercials due to being on hostess duty. This was right before we got Maddy, before we went to St. John. 2010 and 2011 I have to say I don't remember. I am guessing that we had done my karaoke 30th birthday party the night before the 2010 game, based on the dates. In 2011 I was pregnant, so I'm guessing we just watched it at home, but I really don't remember.
Last year, all 3 of us put on all our Pats attire. JP had been so excited about Max's first Super Bowl. We expected a Patriots victory, of course. Max didn't last much longer than kickoff, and neither did the Pats. Once again, after a disappointing loss to the Giants, the jerseys were stripped off and tossed into the closet before the game ended, and we vowed not to speak of football until the next season. Little did we know, there would be no next season. Little did we know that our time together would end in 10 days' time.
This time of year used to be exciting. Even if the Patriots weren't in the Super Bowl, I always enjoyed watching it with JP. And now it's just another crappy part of a horrible month. I'm glad I did something different, with people who didn't know JP. I think that helped. But I was missing my football fanatic, and I always will on Super Bowl Sunday.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Abundance
I have a set of Angel cards from years and years ago - high school, probably. For anyone unfamiliar with Angel cards, they are just these little cards with inspirational words on them. I'm not sure if they're supposed to work more as fortunes or suggestions for qualities you should try to embody, but either way, I just like them. Lately I've been finding myself pulling cards on a pretty regular basis. A few months ago, when I was really starting to get into making progress at CrossFit, I pulled the Strength card. And more recently, when I was a bit lost and confused and not in a great place, I pulled the Clarity card (and took a picture, which ironically came out super blurry!) After pulling the Clarity card, I got some things sorted out and ended up feeling like I was in a much better place.
Tonight I pulled Abundance. My first thought was WTF. I mean, it's February. February = loss to me. February means feeling utterly bereft and robbed and alone. Abundance? Maybe it was referring to the massive quantity of calories I consumed while having a girls' day today.
But then I took a moment to think about it. What do I have in abundance? Friends, love, support. And lots of activities on my calendar. I've managed to stay incredibly busy for the first two days of February, and I don't plan on slowing down until the end. I am booking myself solid this month, and hoping that by staying busy and distracted, I will get past the 15th and out of the month without completely falling apart.
What else do I have in abundance? Strength, for sure. And faith that things will get better.
Tonight I pulled Abundance. My first thought was WTF. I mean, it's February. February = loss to me. February means feeling utterly bereft and robbed and alone. Abundance? Maybe it was referring to the massive quantity of calories I consumed while having a girls' day today.
But then I took a moment to think about it. What do I have in abundance? Friends, love, support. And lots of activities on my calendar. I've managed to stay incredibly busy for the first two days of February, and I don't plan on slowing down until the end. I am booking myself solid this month, and hoping that by staying busy and distracted, I will get past the 15th and out of the month without completely falling apart.
What else do I have in abundance? Strength, for sure. And faith that things will get better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)