Sunshine and Rainbows

Life is not all sunshine and rainbows.  I know that as well as anyone.  You might think it's all sunshine and rainbows one minute, and the next get struck by lightning, have your entire life rocked to the core by a thunderclap of epic proportions, which, BTW, was NOT in the forecast.  

And it would be delusional to think that the storms will every truly go away.  They will pass, but they will come again.  

Now, when there is sunshine, either in the weather outside or inside of me, I take the time to acknowledge it, and be thankful for it.  

Yesterday and today were pretty sunshiny and rainbow-esque, despite the pouring rain yesterday (and the smell of worms drowning on the sidewalk last night - least favorite part of spring!).

I had the nicest lunch date with Max yesterday.  We both did some coloring (mine was a little better than his, but I'll cut him some slack since he is not even 2 yet), he did some dancing, and he even stayed in the high chair for the whole meal.  

Then I worked out, and despite the first part of the WOD being snatches, plus a horrible rowing piece and then clapping pushups and v-ups (yuck and ugh!), I had a good workout.  

And then.  And THEN my amazing friend Anthony brought over frakking AMAZEBALLS pumpkin cheesecake.  Dude can bake.  Best cheesecake I have ever tasted.  I feel like I need a moment alone just thinking about that cheesecake.  Plus a sweet internship-eve card.  If you don't have a friend like this, I suggest you go out and find one.  Like right now.  Pretty sure everyone who knows him counts him in their "favorite people" list.  Because he's seriously the nicest person ever, so thoughtful and says the right things.  Like he never says the wrong things, which people so often do.  And when I told my mom he bakes (she's met him and loves him), she said something along the lines of, "that Anthony seems like quite a catch," to which Max responded "Anthony a catch!  Anthony a catch...fish!"  Hilarious.  And ladies, he is available.  I'm not sure how (not only is he smart, funny, thoughtful, and a phenom in the kitchen, but he is also a big sexy beast - a true modern day Renaissance man), but he is.  

Aaand before he stops bringing me baked goods and wants to smack me for embarrassing him, I will move on.  But Anthony, if you ever need someone to pen a personal ad for you for Craigslist, I'd be more than happy to do the honors ;)

Moving on, then.

Today was the first day of my internship.  I'm working with a consulting company on training and HR initiatives.  Really excited about the team I'm working for, and all the projects I'll be able to be involved in.  One is a big, brand new training initiative that will take place over 3 days in Vegas.  And guess what?  They're bringing me.  Even though I will be working my butt off, I am super psyched.  Vegas is, of course, one of my happy places.  

I'm working part-time until after my classes officially end on May 1, then going full-time.  It's going to be a busy summer, but will be totally worth it, I can already tell.

Went straight from my internship to a meeting, then class.  And when I got home, Max was out on the patio and did this little happy dance when he saw me.  Highlight of the day!  He was so cute, and was adorable all through dinner.

I even got a workout in today - and PR'd on my front squat and ran a decently fast mile.  I felt like I had to go to Crossfit after doing some serious paleo cheating...it might be time for another strict 30 days soon.

So right now, even though I know this summer will be tough, and even though tomorrow will be exhausting (going in early to register for the summer semester before work, then rushing home to take Maddy to therapy, PT for my hip, then 2 Crossfit classes in the evening...), I'm feeling the warmth of the sun and admiring all the colors of the rainbow.

Life is not always good.  But when it is, soak it up.

Take a Moment to Reflect

Today, all across MA, at 2:50pm, bells rang and folks participated in a moment of silence to honor victims of the Boston Marathon bombing.  At Gillette, they spelled out Boston for an aerial photo.  The image of the crowd by the marathon finish line is touching.  I'm sure that thoughtful demonstrations took place at college campuses across the state.

As I was taking a moment of silence here in Chicago, with my heart and mind focused on Massachusetts, I decided to take a moment of reflection for myself.  I had been a little disappointed in my workout today - I'm being extremely conservative with my hip, so I had to adjust the programming, and wasn't able to get a new PR on my shoulder press.  I'm definitely in denial about the fact that starting the day after tomorrow, I am going to be losing a lot of my time with Max, as well as freedom in my schedule.  And, as usual, there are just a list of things that I'm not feeling great about.

But it is a gorgeous day in Chicago (I'm out in the sunshine, where I have been sitting and working on homework that I'm really enjoying despite it being finals time!), and I think it's so important to take time here and there to just reflect on the good things.  They don't have to be big good things either; they can be little reminders of the many pieces that come together to make a day, an afternoon, a moment, good.

Just to reiterate, it is Lovely here.  Sun is out, it's not too hot or too chilly.  This is a welcome change from the monsoons, snow, and general cold dreariness we have been experiencing thus far this April.

So I couldn't PR on my shoulder press.  Who cares?  I'm reminding myself that I made a deal with myself a while back that I would not get caught up on getting heavier and heavier on my lifts.  And just last night I made the call to get rid of a purple halter dress that used to look so good because now with my jacked shoulders and arms, it makes me look a bit like a cross-dresser.  I love being fit and making progress with my abilities, but I don't necessarily need to be building so much strength (slash muscle slash mass!).  Is this my attempt to justify "failures" to my competitive nature?  Maybe.  But even if I'm not adding more weight to the Olympic bar than I was a few months ago, I am seeing progress - in my ring muscle ups, handstand push ups, being able to use a heavier wall ball or kettle bell, shaving time off of workouts.  So it's ok to level off a bit on weightlifting.

Max is getting cuter and smarter every day.  He is so funny, so in tune with his surrounding and so interested in everything, and boy does that kid love to eat!  My parents and I pretty much all eat at different times, so he basically just goes from his meal to the next to the next all morning and into the late afternoon.  Yeah, he takes after both of his parents - champion chow hounds, the both of us.

Maddy is doing well.  She even got on the outdoor couch without assistance today.  She's going for long walks (while I rock out to Liz Phair and look like a crazy person in my Crossfit duds).

I have awesome friends, and am reminded of this constantly.  I don't get to see enough of them - even the ones who live in Chicago - but I have an amazing group of people in my life, and that network continues to grow, which makes me happy because it's not always easy for me to make friends, especially considering everything I'm dealing with now.  Friends, you rock.  If I don't tell you all that enough, I apologize, but know that I'm thinking it all the time, and I appreciate everything you do for me.

And my parents - yeah, I'm a lucky girl.  Knowing that Max will be with them when I'm away all day at work is what makes me think I will be able to make it through on a daily basis without breaking down in tears. And I swear I will try to give them more opportunities for breaks (though with Max entering preschool, they will be getting more time without him already).

Hmm, I guess I got into some bigger things there, but back to a little one - Game of Thrones.  Man I love that show.  And just when I was afraid that Khaleesi wasn't going to make an appearance in last night's episode, BAM!  I watched that scene at least 3 times.  I would like to have a soundtrack of her speaking in Valyrian to play whenever I need to get amped up for something.

Also, last night I tried on ALL of the clothes that are hanging in my closet because I have to weed stuff out.  Didn't manage to put much in the "to go" pile (except that dress - grr) but I am going to make an effort to actually wear more of my clothes.  Maybe going to my internship (which doesn't require wearing a suit, but will require not just wearing my workout clothes all day...) will help.  It might be nice to be able to put "real" clothes on (for at least a week, anyway)

And now it's time to get ready for the last meeting of my Org Culture and Design class with my favorite instructor.  The best part is that it's all presentations and I did mine last week.  So I can just sit back, relax, and as long as I ask a couple of questions, I'm golden.

Why don't you join me in taking a moment to reflect on a handful of things that are good in your life right now, or just letting go of the less-than-stellar things on your mind?

What a long strange trip

That Onion article that's done the rounds on FaceBook said it best: "Jesus, This Week!"

The past week has certainly been full of...intense stuff.  Being from MA, and due to the fact that what happened at the marathon, and then on Friday in Watertown, was an act of terrorism rather than an accident, I admittedly didn't pay much attention to the explosion in West, TX.  (Side note: who names a town just West?  I'm convinced they were smoking something.)  My heart has been in Boston for this past week, and I spent much of Friday evening glued to the TV watching coverage of the chase and apprehension of the terror team.  I'm glad that I got to see the apprehension play out with Max.  While we watched the news, when he heard sirens, he would yell, "sirens, sirens!  Hurry, hurry!  Go go firetruck!"  So cute.

I am so proud to be from MA right now.  To see the way the city went into lockdown, the way the community as a whole pulled together, the way those in power said "oh hell no, I did NOT leave the South Side for this!" and got the job done... (yes, I just had to put a Mean Girls reference in there).  I am proud to be a Masshole.  The first responders, the law enforcement teams that put their lives in danger to find the Tsarnaevs - Boston Strong, indeed.

And it's no secret that Boston's sports teams are an integral part of the city, of the entire regional culture.  We are a fan base that refers to ourselves as simply "the Nation."  I mean, we even held elections for the position of President of Red Sox Nation.  Whether or not you pay your dues to be a card-carrying (no joke) member of Red Sox Nation, if you're from New England (and you like sports), you go on the emotional roller coaster of highs and lows with every baseball/football/hockey/basketball season.  In "Title Town," there are high expectations of our teams.  And so it should come as no surprise that our teams, and their fans, did great things to help the community, and the country, start the healing process.  From fundraising efforts for the victims, to Bruins fans taking over on the National Anthem, to the Bruins players giving the shirts off their backs to first responders, to the touching tribute (f-bomb and all) before Saturday's Red Sox game, these teams are doing their part to bring back their fans' spirits.  Boston Strong.

In light of everything, what originally seemed like an overwhelming week for me personally is certainly trifling in comparison.  I had two final presentations on Monday and Wednesday, and my school Assessment Center (meant to help us see where we are with the competencies we should be learning through our curriculum, and allow us to come up with a developmental plan for the remainder of the program).  I didn't think anything went particularly poorly, or particularly well.  It was all just fine, and I was happy to be done.  I ended up rewarding myself with a very fun Saturday, not the day I had planned, but one of those fun, random days/nights.  Super ridiculous, super fun, and it ended with lots of cookies and no paleo guilt.

JP would have been so proud of the way that Boston responded to the bombings.  No doubt he would have ordered every Boston Strong, B Strong, and One Boston shirt he could find.  I wonder how I would have experienced this 15+ months ago.  Would I have gotten so emotional about the whole situation?  Would I have cried at every tribute/national anthem?  I don't know.  Once again, my grief and sense of loss creates a strange filter through which I experience anything involving grief or loss.  And there is the fact that it was Boston, which JP would always refer to as "home" for both of us, though neither of us ever lived within the city limits, and we never even lived in MA together.

Anyway.  Events like this make us all realize that we cannot, should not, take anything in this life for granted.  As I take some deep breaths in preparation for a summer working at a full-time internship on top of classes, and wonder when I will see Max, I have to just remember to appreciate and take advantage of every moment.  The internship is a good thing, for me and for Max.  I will still have some time with him in the evenings, and, yes, I will probably be waking him up in the mornings before I take off.  And I am going to pack so much fun into the weekends, it's going to be ridiculous.  I know I'm going to be exhausted, trying to keep up with my internship, classes, Max, Crossfit, and also trying to maintain some semblance of a social life (hello, street festivals and all my favorite cover bands!), but somehow I will find the energy to live life to the fullest.  I will find my inner reserve of Boston Strong.

Marathon Monday

I'm not sure exactly where to start.  I've been pretty weepy all day, my heart aching for everyone affected by the tragic events at the Boston Marathon.  I'm sure that the fact that it's the 15th of the month doesn't help, either.

When today started, I was excited to get text updates about one of my best friends' progress in the marathon.  This amazing girl had a baby three months ago and she ran the Boston Marathon.  Hello, can you say Inspiring?  Rockstar? 

I was feeling good about where I was with school work, and still on a bit of a high from stringing together two muscle ups on the rings yesterday.  My biggest concern was whether I should go for a run or go to Crossfit (the workout was heavy lifting, including finding a one rep max shoulder press, and I knew my shoulders were shot after my less-than efficient work on the rings).  I opted to do the lifting, but eased off the shoulder work.  Just when I was thinking I should have run instead, I got a 35 pound PR (personal record) on my back squat, going from 135 to 170.  Win! 

When I finished Crossfit, I saw my friend's final result in the marathon.  3:24:45.  I was so proud of her.  The sun was shining, and I was just thinking about all the inspiring women in my life, having just seen some of the bad ass chicks from my gym who will be competing in the Crossfit Regionals getting meaty and putting in some good hard work at the box.  I purposely avoided any news or social media because I'd taped the Red Sox game.  I was feeling all warm and fuzzy - Patriots' Day, Marathon Day, and the only day when Jerry Remy gets to start the broadcast with "Buenos Dias, Amigos" due to the early start time (and points it out every year).  Marathon Monday is a big deal in Boston, a city steeped in history.  The marathon has been run since 1897.  The Red Sox have played at home on Patriots' Day since 1959.  Being from MA, despite never having lived in Boston, I just feel the "specialness" of this day. 

Then I got a text from a friend saying that our Marathon Mama was ok.  I assumed it was in reference to being exhausted from running a freaking marathon 3 1/2 months after having a baby.  But no, that's not what she meant.  And so I started following the shocking news.  Reaching out to friends to make sure they were ok, checking Facebook for posts from friends who live in Boston.  

Why can't people just be kind to one another?  This life is full of quite enough senseless loss and tragedy without us bringing it upon one another. 

Tomorrow, in between getting my hip dry needled and prepping for my next presentation (not exactly sure what I said in the one I did tonight...), I will be holding Max extra close and telling him I love him a few extra times.  Because you should never take a single moment for granted.

Stay strong, Boston...

Unfinished Business

Right now there are a lot of things that feel unsettled for me.

Here we are almost 14 months out and the estate still hasn't closed.  My lawyer has not responded to multiple emails asking what we're supposed to do to close the estate and get the accounts settled now that the guardianship hearing is over.  The hearing took place in January and the only communication I have received from his office since then has been in the form of invoices.  Awesome.

Then there is the question of what I'm going to do this summer.  Do I try to get an internship?  My grad school program requires two 300-hour internships, which can be done during any two of our three remaining semesters.  It would be good to get one done, but there is something to be said for taking advantage of this summer as my last chance to not be working, and enjoy outdoor activities with Max.  We're not going to get this chance again.  So I guess if something absolutely ideal comes my way, I won't say no.  But I also don't plan on settling.  It would be so fun to be able to go to parks with Max, to the lakefront, and be able to play outside now that he's a mobile, social little dude.  In the fall and spring semesters, I would have more time to space out the requisite hours, and working when it's not summer feels like less of a sacrifice, plus I'm planning on putting Max in a preschool program a couple days a week starting in the fall anyway.

Of course, I am stressed about the "what comes next?" question - after grad school.  Job, where we'll be, etc.  But that's just too massive to even think about right now.

And lastly, there's the business of me.  I saw this recently on someone's FB wall:

I feel like now that a year has passed, I'm out of the storm part.  There will always be cloudy days, and even hurricane season, but the big storm has, I believe, blown over.  And now I have to figure out who I am in its wake.  I've done some soul searching, especially since the holidays, trying to figure out who I am now, and who I want to be, and how to get there, and how I should be comporting myself along the way.  It is so incredibly difficult to go through this self-evaluation and self-discovery process under these circumstances.  Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personality disorder.  

At times, I revert back to parts of my younger self that really should have been left in college.  And that's not good because I say and do really stupid things, and I can't be acting like that because I'm 33 and I have a child.  I'm not the girl I was when I met JP at 23, and I'm also not the girl I lost him at 32, because much of that version of myself was shaped by him and by our relationship.  Losing your partner changes you in many more ways than those directly related to the loss and the grief.  You truly do have to become a different version of yourself.  And when I think about the fact that it took me 9 years to become the person I was when I lost JP, it's no wonder that I'm going through some growing pains with this new and unwelcome transition phase.

I've taken steps toward a better, stronger me, no doubt.  From going back to school to start a career to trying to do what's best for Max and his upbringing to going paleo and embracing Crossfit for my health and mental/emotional wellbeing.  But there are areas in which I feel profoundly inadequate, or like a complete failure.  It may be time for a list of goals...

I'll start with these:

• Spend more quality time with Max
• Focus on time management and increasing efficiency and productivity
• Start acting like a lady (who is 33 and has a toddler)
• Get more sleep