'Tis the Season

The day after Thanksgiving means the official start of the Christmas holiday season.  Yes, I realize that there are other holidays in this season, but Christmas is the one with the Hallmark-music-commercialism stranglehold on us.

Thanksgiving day itself was not as bad as I had expected.  I started the day with a "Turkey WOD" at Crossfit.  That was a good, if punishing, start to the day.  After that, it was down to business.  Cooking, cooking, cooking.  It was good - I stayed busy.  Of course I was thinking about last year, our first Thanksgiving as a family.  Max wasn't eating solids yet then.  We didn't get a great family picture, but figured we had every year moving forward for that.  We figured we had time for a lot of things.  

JP would have Loved the Patriots-Jets game.  From the ridiculous pictures of Brady and Wilfork to the "Sanchez Butt Fumble" as my friend dubbed it, to all the amazing plays by the Pats and the comedy of errors executed by the Jets, it was my favorite game of the season.  I mean, watching Sanchez twirl in a circle and realize he called a different play from what he was going for, clothesline himself on his own player's ass, fumble, and the Pats take it back for a TD?  I was in tears laughing.  So much better than when I was in tears on the street corner wishing JP was here for this holiday.

Black Friday was off to a good start.  Don't get me wrong - I did not join the crowds frothing at the mouth for deals and steals at big box stores...With the exception of a trip outside with Maddy, I stayed in bed until almost 10am (can't remember the last time that happened).  By 11:30 I was out with friends for the annual post-Thanksgiving flag football game.  It was COLD.  After so many days of unseasonably warm weather, 36 degrees was tough.  I was both over- and under-dressed.  Too many pairs of pants, too many layers on top, no hat.  But the most amazing thing happened - I ran with Maddy.  Maddy, who has barely been able to walk lately.  Granted, as my friend said, she ran like a rabbit (both back legs moving in unison), but we were sprinting and it was the most exhilarating 60-second run I have ever experienced.  I am so thankful that I got to experience that!  And flag football was fun.  I'm so glad I played, and I know JP would have wanted me to.  After the game, a bunch of people gathered at my friends' house for leftovers, beer, and good company.  It was nice.  But it's also probably good that I had to take Maddy to therapy.  Otherwise, it's very likely that I would have gotten day drunk.  The nicest part was that a lot of my friends were wearing the shirts made in memory of JP for the softball team, the same ones that Erik and Max wore yesterday.

And then came the evening...we went to a holiday variety show.  I thought it was going to be a comedy, and there were some funny parts, but all in all, it was really quite awful for me.  It made me realize how hard this season is going to be to get through.  I sat there just trying to sneak peeks at my dad's watch and counting down until it would end.  When we got home, I waited for the others to finish talking about the show (seriously, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it), and then did something I have never done - had beers alone, in my pajamas, in bed.  I was texting with a friend who was drinking in a more appropriate venue, and tried to tell myself that it was like we were drinking together, but really I was getting drunk in bed.  The worst part was that I kind of enjoyed it.  But don't worry - I will not be making a habit of this!

Despite the terrible variety show, the holiday was very nice.  It was great seeing my brother and his girlfriend, and seeing Max with his uncle was so fun.  He even started saying "uncle."  So cute!  Unfortunately, I did zero homework, and am now in a bit of a pickle with finals here, and feeling a bit overwhelmed - 10-page paper due Wednesday, stats case study about to be assigned, final on Monday, team presentation next Wednesday...ugh.  But at least all this work will eat up some of the dreaded holiday season.

Thanks for the Memories

And so Thanksgiving is upon us.  It's that day of the year when families and friends gather around a table laden with a cornucopia of starches, prepared the "traditional" way - which is to say, the way that will most efficiently block your arteries.  The day when we stumble over to the TV to watch football with a beer in hand, waiting to be able to fit in one more slice of pumpkin pie, in a state of tryptophan-induced semi-consciousness.

It's the day when we give thanks for all the blessings in our lives.

And that is one thing that I have been having a very hard time with, for obvious reasons.

Making it even worse, social media allows me to see all the wonderful things people in my FB network are thankful for EVERY DAY leading up to Turkey Time.  I want to be happy for them.  But part of me wants to provide a daily list of the things I am not thankful for: the fact that I go to sleep and wake up alone (or, actually, with a dog in a diaper who needs to be rushed outside before there are any accidents); the fact that Max will never read a book or toss a ball with his daddy; and the list goes on, of course.

So today I am trying to take a step away from my little pity party to remind myself how much I do have to be thankful for this year.  Because, in truth, there is a lot.  Here are just some of the things I am thankful for:

I am thankful for Max.  I am thankful that he is a happy, healthy, easygoing toddler.  I'm thankful that there is so much of JP in him - not just that Maheras nose, but the charm and hammy personality.  Not only is he the cutest little peanut, but he is just so fun, engaging, and interesting.  I could write a book about how amazing he is.  I'm thankful that a piece of JP will live on in Max.  I'm so thankful that JP left me with the most wonderful gift of all - our little "precious miracle" ;)  He is such an amazing little kid, and I am lucky to be his mom.

I'm thankful for my parents, who deserve sainthood for everything they have done and continue to do for me and for Max.  We are lucky to have them here, and though we may have our clashes, I do appreciate everything they do for us.  And I know that they know all about how to raise a perfect child :)  I could also write a book on how amazing my parents are and how lucky I am to have them as my main support system.

I'm thankful for my brother, who has always been there for me, and especially so in the past 9 months.  I am thankful that he and Kelly are spending this holiday with us.  Seeing Max with Uncle Erik is truly a gift, and I'm so glad that Erik and I have such a close relationship.  

I'm thankful for my extended family - my amazing mother-in-law, who is one of the strongest individuals I have ever met.  She is truly an inspiration to me, and I can only hope to exhibit a fraction of the grace she demonstrates as we help one another through this sad journey.  Also, my amazing nieces, who had such a special relationship with their uncle, and to whom I feel so close.  And of course my own relatives, who have been so great and supportive.  From Waukesha to Mali, I definitely feel the love.

I'm thankful for my friends: old friends, new friends, and somewhere-in-the-middle friends.  I consider myself so lucky to have friends from both high school and college who are like sisters to me.  My Chicago group is amazing - when I first moved out here, I wondered whether I would like JP's buddies' wives.  I was more than pleasantly surprised, and these are the people who made my decision to stay in Chicago after I lost JP a no-brainer.  I'm thankful for the fact that my friends are people who will let me vent, who will let me talk about what is on my mind, who will get me out of the house, and who don't judge me for what I do, or what I say when my filter is off and the widow mouth is running.  My friends are absolutely amazing people, and sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life.

I'm thankful for the fact that Maddy is doing really well these days.  Her therapy is working, and she is looking stronger, happier, and more energetic than she was a month ago.

I'm thankful for the fact that I'm able to be in school right now, working to finally settle into a career and create a bright future for Max.  Hopefully it will lead to my being able to do something I love after getting my degree.

I'm thankful for Crossfit.  Anyone who knows me has seen what Crossfit has done for me physically, but it is my mental and emotional therapy as well.  I am so lucky to have amazing coaches who have been such a wonderful support system for me.  Even on my worst days, going to a Crossfit class completely elevates my mood.  Through Crossfit, I have met some incredible people and forged friendships that have been instrumental in getting me through some very tough times.

I'm thankful for the fact that what I have been through in the past 9 months did not completely destroy me.  There was a time when I would have thought that I would not be able to survive this loss.  But I guess that if I was really that type of girl, JP never would have married me.  I'm thankful that I'm as strong as he knew I was, and not as weak as I thought I was.

I am thankful for every moment I had with JP.  I'm thankful for all of the crazy nights we had in NYC: our somewhat random/chance meeting; the Blackout of 2003; so many nights at Houston's, Blue Smoke, Automatic Slims, and Black Bear Lounge; and the many trips to the box at Yankee Stadium (where we first officially met).  I'm thankful for the trips we took together - I look forward to taking Max to those places someday.  I'm thankful for all the nights we spent together, falling asleep holding hands, and for the fact that we never went to sleep mad at one another.  I'm thankful for the way we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.  I'm thankful for all the time we spent cheering for our teams, whether at World Series games at Fenway or just texting late at night about playoff games happening on the West Coast.  (I'm thankful that we were both New England fans!)  I'm thankful that he brought me to Chicago, and for all the memories I have of him in this city: all of the parties we threw; the baseball games and street festivals; museum trips and various athletic endeavors; but mostly the nights we spent just hanging out - the two of us, then with the dog, and finally as a family.  I'm thankful for all the silly things he would do to make me laugh; they still bring a smile to my face, and I look forward to telling Max all about his quirks and antics.  I'm thankful that he got to experience most of Max's first holidays, and that we had 7 1/2 wonderful months together as a family.  He loved being a dad, and despite the lack of sleep and challenges of being new parents, we were never happier than when Max came into our lives.  I'm thankful for the way he made me feel - safe and relaxed, and like I was "home" when I was with him.  I'm thankful for the person he helped me become - a better, stronger, more mature person than I was when we met.  I'm thankful for the love we shared, and the family we created.  And I'm thankful that our last interactions were positive: he walked Maddy that morning and I remember just thinking that was so nice of him, and our last texts were about Max - I sent a picture and told him that Max was interested in how he could move the door, and JP wrote back, "Hey, kiddo."

I no longer put much stock in the saying that "everything happens for a reason," but I am thankful for all the pieces that fell into place leading me to meet JP.

And I'm thankful that I have him watching over me and Max.

Decisions, Decisions

The topic we covered in my Organizational Behavior class last week was decision making.  Coincidentally, I have recently been making some terrible decisions.  For starters, I decided to ignore my homework all weekend, and therefore am scrambling to get ready for a presentation tomorrow, and forgot to do a discussion post for my Monday class until 10 minutes before class.  As you might imagine, it was a pathetic effort.  And I'm upset about it because I have made SO MANY GIANT DECISIONS in the past 9 months.  But at the time, I just panicked and spewed something about how I decided to go to Amherst.  Ugh.

I was going to say something about some of the less-than-stellar decisions I've been making recently, but I think I won't.  I've decided that I get a free pass, for a while anyway, and I'm not going to apologize.  I will just say this - it's a good thing I am not cursed with a guilt complex.

Anyway.  So here we are at the holidays.  I've been basically avoiding thinking about it.  Since the last time I posted, I've had a couple of tough days.  Election day was harder than I'd expected.  JP lived and breathed politics, and while we did not see eye-to-eye on everything, it was always a learning experience to watch the results with him.  I didn't vote this year.  Partly because I didn't get my voter registration updated in time, but also partly because I didn't feel strongly that either candidate was all that impressive.  But I didn't expect the day to hit me as hard as it did.  It sucked.

There was also the Remembrance Mass on All Souls Day.  All the pictures of older folks, and then my dashing husband.  I used a picture from our wedding day.  My amazing friends met me out for pizza beforehand, and Max had such a great time.  He was very well behaved during the Mass, as were all the kids who were there.  When I went up to light a candle for JP, even though he had mostly been sitting with other folks, Max started screaming, so I took him.  That was a tough walk.  I could just feel everyone feeling sorry for me.  Ugh.  But between my friend group and JP's colleagues who came, there were about 25 of us and I was so touched.  After, some of my girls joined me for wine, which was a good way to wrap up.

Then there was the 9-month anniversary, November 15th.  That was awful.  I had some sobbing-in-fetal-position breakdowns in the morning and then just started doing what I like to call "sharking" - basically staying in constant movement.  Because if I stopped, I would cry.  I organized and cleaned the kitchen.  I reorganized my closet.  I took Max out for a play date.  I went to Crossfit.  I took a yoga class (for the first time in SO LONG).  And then I wrote to JP in the journal I have in which I write letters to him.  It went from every day to every other, to...the last time I had written was on our wedding anniversary.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because it makes me sad, maybe because I'm just so tired.  I don't know.

Yesterday I went to an early Thanksgiving at my aunt's house.  It was fun seeing my cousins, and Max had a ball playing with their kids.  But my aunt had set two extra settings at the table by accident.  She figured one had been because she was thinking my dad was going to be there, but then was like "who else are we missing?" and it just made me sad.  Because JP is who we were missing.

Anyway, I made it through that.  And the holiday itself will be busy, with my brother and his girlfriend arriving Wednesday.  It won't be easy, but at least I'll be sharking.

There have been good things since my last update, too.  I've been going out and acting like I'm in college, which is actually quite fun.  Spending time with friends, getting in some good Max time.  Lots of Crossfit.  On Saturday I participated in a fundraiser called Fight 2 Give, which benefited the Wounded Warrior Project and World Sport Chicago, which helps introduce kids to sports.  It was a tough workout, but I'm glad I signed up at the last minute.  JP did it last year, so it really was fitting that I did it this year.

Halloween Queen

Anyone who knows me (shoot, anyone who has met me in passing, really) knows that I love Halloween.  I get weirdly obsessed with it, come mid-October.  I am way more into Halloween than all other holidays combined.  Candy and Costumes - what could be better?

JP also loved Halloween.  I mean, he pretended that he only got into it for me, but he always put a lot of (last-minute) effort into his costumes.  And I know for a fact that one year he and some of his friends were Crash Test Dummies, and drove his jeep around DC with the top down.  Hilarious.  Anyway, here is a little trip down memory lane of our Halloweens together (sorry if I've already posted some of these!)

Halloween 2003 (NYC) - must have been late in the night...I was a wood nymph and JP was a proctologist.

2004 (NYC) - we put our vampire garb on, went out to watch the Patriots game (we were the only people in costume in the bar, and then watched the parade.

2005 (?) - San Francisco.  So much fun!

2008 (yeah, I'm missing a couple years - oops!) - we had just gotten married, and this was my version of him as a battered husband - we went to the parade and a bar after.

2008 again - this time JP did his battered husband makeup, and I was Sarah Palin.

2009 - at our friend Lizzie's house.  Zombie bride and Stewie.

Maddy at Southport Halloween (2010)

2011 - talk about freaks!  Here I am as Alex from A Clockwork Orange and JP as the Joker

More 2010 - I wore a Hamburglar outfit to the Mayor's Halloween Ball.

 2011 - Hamburglar and Hamburger 

 2011 - JP was sick, but he took pics before chef, hamburger, and lobster braved the crowded streets.

2012 - elephant and clown

Yes, I'm ridiculous and went to Crossfit in my clown suit.

Anyway, even though Halloween is over, I have one more costume party.  And I'm glad that I was able to get into the spirit this year.  It was touch-and-go for a while.  I lost my inspiration and motivation, but it came back big time, and ended up being infectious.

I will always treasure the memories of the Halloweens we shared.  And I will always miss JP at this time of year.  But I have to say - it was good to enjoy the holiday.  It gave me hope for getting through the next round of holidays without too much trauma...