And so Thanksgiving is upon us. It's that day of the year when families and friends gather around a table laden with a cornucopia of starches, prepared the "traditional" way - which is to say, the way that will most efficiently block your arteries. The day when we stumble over to the TV to watch football with a beer in hand, waiting to be able to fit in one more slice of pumpkin pie, in a state of tryptophan-induced semi-consciousness.
It's the day when we give thanks for all the blessings in our lives.
And that is one thing that I have been having a very hard time with, for obvious reasons.
Making it even worse, social media allows me to see all the wonderful things people in my FB network are thankful for EVERY DAY leading up to Turkey Time. I want to be happy for them. But part of me wants to provide a daily list of the things I am not thankful for: the fact that I go to sleep and wake up alone (or, actually, with a dog in a diaper who needs to be rushed outside before there are any accidents); the fact that Max will never read a book or toss a ball with his daddy; and the list goes on, of course.
So today I am trying to take a step away from my little pity party to remind myself how much I do have to be thankful for this year. Because, in truth, there is a lot. Here are just some of the things I am thankful for:
I am thankful for Max. I am thankful that he is a happy, healthy, easygoing toddler. I'm thankful that there is so much of JP in him - not just that Maheras nose, but the charm and hammy personality. Not only is he the cutest little peanut, but he is just so fun, engaging, and interesting. I could write a book about how amazing he is. I'm thankful that a piece of JP will live on in Max. I'm so thankful that JP left me with the most wonderful gift of all - our little "precious miracle" ;) He is such an amazing little kid, and I am lucky to be his mom.
I'm thankful for my parents, who deserve sainthood for everything they have done and continue to do for me and for Max. We are lucky to have them here, and though we may have our clashes, I do appreciate everything they do for us. And I know that they know all about how to raise a perfect child :) I could also write a book on how amazing my parents are and how lucky I am to have them as my main support system.
I'm thankful for my brother, who has always been there for me, and especially so in the past 9 months. I am thankful that he and Kelly are spending this holiday with us. Seeing Max with Uncle Erik is truly a gift, and I'm so glad that Erik and I have such a close relationship.
I'm thankful for my extended family - my amazing mother-in-law, who is one of the strongest individuals I have ever met. She is truly an inspiration to me, and I can only hope to exhibit a fraction of the grace she demonstrates as we help one another through this sad journey. Also, my amazing nieces, who had such a special relationship with their uncle, and to whom I feel so close. And of course my own relatives, who have been so great and supportive. From Waukesha to Mali, I definitely feel the love.
I'm thankful for my friends: old friends, new friends, and somewhere-in-the-middle friends. I consider myself so lucky to have friends from both high school and college who are like sisters to me. My Chicago group is amazing - when I first moved out here, I wondered whether I would like JP's buddies' wives. I was more than pleasantly surprised, and these are the people who made my decision to stay in Chicago after I lost JP a no-brainer. I'm thankful for the fact that my friends are people who will let me vent, who will let me talk about what is on my mind, who will get me out of the house, and who don't judge me for what I do, or what I say when my filter is off and the widow mouth is running. My friends are absolutely amazing people, and sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life.
I'm thankful for the fact that Maddy is doing really well these days. Her therapy is working, and she is looking stronger, happier, and more energetic than she was a month ago.
I'm thankful for the fact that I'm able to be in school right now, working to finally settle into a career and create a bright future for Max. Hopefully it will lead to my being able to do something I love after getting my degree.
I'm thankful for Crossfit. Anyone who knows me has seen what Crossfit has done for me physically, but it is my mental and emotional therapy as well. I am so lucky to have amazing coaches who have been such a wonderful support system for me. Even on my worst days, going to a Crossfit class completely elevates my mood. Through Crossfit, I have met some incredible people and forged friendships that have been instrumental in getting me through some very tough times.
I'm thankful for the fact that what I have been through in the past 9 months did not completely destroy me. There was a time when I would have thought that I would not be able to survive this loss. But I guess that if I was really that type of girl, JP never would have married me. I'm thankful that I'm as strong as he knew I was, and not as weak as I thought I was.
I am thankful for every moment I had with JP. I'm thankful for all of the crazy nights we had in NYC: our somewhat random/chance meeting; the Blackout of 2003; so many nights at Houston's, Blue Smoke, Automatic Slims, and Black Bear Lounge; and the many trips to the box at Yankee Stadium (where we first officially met). I'm thankful for the trips we took together - I look forward to taking Max to those places someday. I'm thankful for all the nights we spent together, falling asleep holding hands, and for the fact that we never went to sleep mad at one another. I'm thankful for the way we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. I'm thankful for all the time we spent cheering for our teams, whether at World Series games at Fenway or just texting late at night about playoff games happening on the West Coast. (I'm thankful that we were both New England fans!) I'm thankful that he brought me to Chicago, and for all the memories I have of him in this city: all of the parties we threw; the baseball games and street festivals; museum trips and various athletic endeavors; but mostly the nights we spent just hanging out - the two of us, then with the dog, and finally as a family. I'm thankful for all the silly things he would do to make me laugh; they still bring a smile to my face, and I look forward to telling Max all about his quirks and antics. I'm thankful that he got to experience most of Max's first holidays, and that we had 7 1/2 wonderful months together as a family. He loved being a dad, and despite the lack of sleep and challenges of being new parents, we were never happier than when Max came into our lives. I'm thankful for the way he made me feel - safe and relaxed, and like I was "home" when I was with him. I'm thankful for the person he helped me become - a better, stronger, more mature person than I was when we met. I'm thankful for the love we shared, and the family we created. And I'm thankful that our last interactions were positive: he walked Maddy that morning and I remember just thinking that was so nice of him, and our last texts were about Max - I sent a picture and told him that Max was interested in how he could move the door, and JP wrote back, "Hey, kiddo."
I no longer put much stock in the saying that "everything happens for a reason," but I am thankful for all the pieces that fell into place leading me to meet JP.
And I'm thankful that I have him watching over me and Max.
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