I'm talking about February. Worst month of the year. As far as I'm concerned, February will never be anything but frakking awful.
On Super Bowl Sunday, I will remember that the last Super Bowl JP and I watched together, and the only one Max ever saw with his daddy, resulted in a Patriots loss.
February 8th is my birthday. Last year marked the first and last time we went out to dinner, just the two of us, after Max was born. My wonderful friend Blythe, who continues to be such an amazing, selfless, and helpful support system for me, insisted that we let her stay with Max while we went out. Appropriately, we went to our favorite Greek restaurant. I'm grateful for that nice memory. But February 8th is always going to be painful.
Valentine's Day. Our last night together. Which was nice, as I've said before. But man, I already pretty much hated that holiday and now...ugh.
And of course that is followed by the 15th. For which I have no words. That f-ing horrible juxtaposition of a "romantic" holiday followed by the anniversary of JP's death is just...not fair.
Oh and not to mention the fact that February is just the most dismal month of the year. Bad weather, and just yuck.
Good thing it's also the shortest month of the year.
So what's my plan for getting through F-ing February? Sharking, of course. I'm keeping busy, starting with Day 1. Trying to just fill my calendar so I don't obsess over the 15th, or the other no-fun time markers in between. Ugh.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Should've known this would be tough...
Today I had my first visit to my lady doctor since losing JP. In fact, the last time I was there, Max was 8 weeks old (I was getting the green light to start Crossfit), and the worst part was that I was leaking milk all over the gown.
I'd already alerted the office about JP's death, and because I wouldn't have to answer a "what's new since your last visit?" or "are you here because you're thinking about baby number two?" question with "my husband died," I didn't really give it much thought. Until I sat down in the waiting room and saw the other patients: women with their husbands (these are usually the ones with the little bump, either eager to both be involved, or there for the 20-week ultrasound), and women with big bellies getting their glucose tests done, or there for their weekly checkup. And so when my doctor, who has known me since 2006, who saw me through the frustration of not being able to get pregnant for a year, who helped me breeze through a healthy, wonderful pregnancy, asked "did I read this correctly in your file?" I dissolved into a weepy mess. I'm not sure if I was able to convince her that I'm actually doing better than I seemed to be, but when she asked if I'm talking to anyone about it, and I said I tried therapy but hated it, so now I blog and Crossfit, she didn't push the issue.
Being in that office, 2 weeks away from 33, reminded me that if JP hadn't been taken from me, right about now is when I would have hoped to coming to the end of my first trimester with baby number two. Now I worry that by the time I am ready for that again, if I even ever find someone with whom I would want to have a family, it will be too late. I try not to think about that too often - I mean, I'm not even ready for dating - but it's hard not to think about the baby stuff when I see Max with other kids and want so much for him to have a sibling.
Good thing I only have to go to that office once a year.
I'd already alerted the office about JP's death, and because I wouldn't have to answer a "what's new since your last visit?" or "are you here because you're thinking about baby number two?" question with "my husband died," I didn't really give it much thought. Until I sat down in the waiting room and saw the other patients: women with their husbands (these are usually the ones with the little bump, either eager to both be involved, or there for the 20-week ultrasound), and women with big bellies getting their glucose tests done, or there for their weekly checkup. And so when my doctor, who has known me since 2006, who saw me through the frustration of not being able to get pregnant for a year, who helped me breeze through a healthy, wonderful pregnancy, asked "did I read this correctly in your file?" I dissolved into a weepy mess. I'm not sure if I was able to convince her that I'm actually doing better than I seemed to be, but when she asked if I'm talking to anyone about it, and I said I tried therapy but hated it, so now I blog and Crossfit, she didn't push the issue.
Being in that office, 2 weeks away from 33, reminded me that if JP hadn't been taken from me, right about now is when I would have hoped to coming to the end of my first trimester with baby number two. Now I worry that by the time I am ready for that again, if I even ever find someone with whom I would want to have a family, it will be too late. I try not to think about that too often - I mean, I'm not even ready for dating - but it's hard not to think about the baby stuff when I see Max with other kids and want so much for him to have a sibling.
Good thing I only have to go to that office once a year.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
California Knows how to Party
I started this post a while ago, but between the chaos of getting back to non-holiday mode (new semester at grad school, Max's music and swimming classes, Maddy therapy, etc.) and the approach of the one-year mark, I haven't had the chance to blog.
As I said before, the trip was amazing. Spending time with Megan and her family was so good for my heart and soul. I had an absolute blast, and I am so lucky that I have friends like Megan.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip:
As I said before, the trip was amazing. Spending time with Megan and her family was so good for my heart and soul. I had an absolute blast, and I am so lucky that I have friends like Megan.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip:
- Kiddo dance parties! Max had so much fun dancing with his buddies every night.
- Bath time! Rub-a-dub-dub, 3 little ones in a tub.
- Hiking! For all the Crossfit I do, the endurance classes I take...I was really sucking wind! I'm sure the altitude didn't help, but boy do I see why Megan is looking so great these days!
- Going to a taping of Ellen. Yeah, I did the worm on her stage during the audience warm up before the show - so fun!
- Getting my In-N-Out and Fatburger fixes (if there were Fatburger in Chicago, I would weigh 300 pounds...)
- Getting my Polly's Pies fix with my niece Jessica.
- Driving through the canyons with Jessica and her boyfriend, spending some time with them on Venice Beach.
- Driving on the 405 - can't explain it, but I felt super legit for some reason.
- Girls' Game night at Megan's with her friends, who are all really nice.
- Pilates classes - killer workout! My abs were sore!
- The zoo - we stayed for 3 hours, and there were no meltdowns (until we got in the car, that is!)
- Bar Trivia (our team won), and karaoke. Met a friend of one of Megan's friends who lives in my neighborhood (small world!) and met one of her neighbors, who is a musician, and is awesome (The White Buffalo - check him out!), and was amazing at karaoke. Megan and I took the mic from a guy who was butchering Bob Marley, and did a really bad job with Salt-n-Pepa.
- And more than anything, just getting to spend so much quality time with a wonderful friend. I don't have the words to express how much that girl means to me. I'm so glad we made this trip work. I have also found my new vacation destination.
Here are some pics:
What a great welcome!!
After having some breakfast and pie at Polly's - just like I used to on Sundays when I lived in Westwood for a summer!
Kidlets at the zoo
We had a car full of crying, screaming kids (one of whom had wet herself), but that didn't stop us from waiting in a Long line of cars to get burgers and fries...
Max getting pushed by the girls at the zoo.
Carousel at the zoo.
Max, Jessica, and Zoltar at Venice Beach.
Us on TV!
Here is what I was doing when I wasn't carrying Max - chasing him around so he wouldn't end up running off a ledge or mountainside!
Max and Ruby, or Veebo, as he called her...
Heavy lifting!
Practicing my handstands on the mountain.
We didn't even have to drive to get to this hike.
Max and Lily sharing a hug
There were lots of jumping pics...
Getting back to real life has been an adjustment, but I have a lifetime of amazing memories from that week, and there will be many more trips to come! And anytime I'm feeling overwhelmed by things, all I have to do is look at the pictures or think about the good times we had, and immediately I feel 100 times better.
Looking forward to when I can say, "I'm going, going back, back to Cali, Cali..."
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Lucky Number 13?
Well, here we are, 11 days into 2013, and so far so good.
I welcomed 2013 with Max in my arms and Maddy by my side. Deciding what to do for NYE was not easy for me. First I thought I should get out of town. Then I thought I should stay in and drink champagne alone in my bed. Then I thought I should Go Out. Then I spontaneously decided to go to the Eve of the Eve charity event (which ended up being a very fun night. I let loose, had a wild and wonderful moment that can only happen on a night like that, had a good time with some friends, met some new people, and enjoyed seeing everyone all dressed up). So for actual NYE, I was just going to lay low. I ended up going to a concert with a friend who has recently come back into my life, and it was the perfect way to spend the evening. Stayed sober, ran into someone I know (which made me feel super legit), and enjoyed some good music. We left after the opening act, so that I could be home by midnight. It was great to wake up on January first feeling healthy and rested. Sure, there were some tears, but how could there not be? That afternoon I got in a good workout with a couple of my Crossfit buddies and they even started teaching me some boxing basics (fun despite the stinky gloves!)
And so the year got off to a good start. I did a driving tour of various schools courtesy of the friend with whom I spent NYE, and have some research to do (plenty of time, but good to start thinking about it sooner rather than later).
And then on the 4th, Max and I flew to LA to visit my friend Megan and her family. I probably have about 5 posts' worth of material from our trip, so I will try to break it up a bit. I have to start by introducing Megan. We have known one another since we were 15 years old, sophomore year of high school, when we both started out at prep school. We were good friends in high school, and shared some memorable times (such as the morning of our graduation, when I was hunting her down on campus to bring her dress to her!) We stayed close through college and after. We spent her 21st birthday running around Boston barefoot. I was in her wedding. We had babies 3 weeks apart (her second, my first). And when JP died, Megan was an absolute rock for me. She was one of the first of my friends to arrive, and last to leave. It was the first time I experienced her being a calm presence (she is a very high energy chick!). Having her and her daughter Ruby (her younger daughter) there with me was so comforting. And since then, she has continued to be such a great source of love and support.
A week is a long time to stay with someone. And when kids are involved, it's even more complicated. But Megan and her husband Tony never made me feel like we were imposing. They truly are the best hosts Ever. I felt so comfortable and at home, and they took ridiculously good care of us. We did so many fun things, and I took away a lifetime worth of wonderful memories.
Travel with a toddler is not easy. But having those three kids together was such a treat! Max loved being with the girls, and he and Ruby, or Veebo as he called her, were so cute together. Megan and Tony are wonderful parents and I learned so much from Megan. She is a stellar mother and such a natural! It was so great to see her in action. I hope that by the time Max is asking me questions like her almost-3-year-old does, I will get better at creative, informative answers! She is so patient and kind with her children, and skilled at discipline when necessary (not often - those girls are so wonderful!)
Being with Megan, both with and without the kids, was so good for me. Everything about the trip felt like it was feeding my soul and spirit. It truly made me feel like this year is going to bring good things, and that I have so much to look forward to.
It also made me think that I really need to consider moving out west after school. The mountains spoke to me. I miss them. As much as I love Chicago, the midwest is so flat and boring. I saw a whole new side of the LA area to which I had been utterly blind the summer I lived out there.
I will get into the details of my trip later, but for now I will close by saying that I'm feeling good about the new year. New semester, new haircut and color, new attitude. Things are looking up in 2013.
And so the year got off to a good start. I did a driving tour of various schools courtesy of the friend with whom I spent NYE, and have some research to do (plenty of time, but good to start thinking about it sooner rather than later).
And then on the 4th, Max and I flew to LA to visit my friend Megan and her family. I probably have about 5 posts' worth of material from our trip, so I will try to break it up a bit. I have to start by introducing Megan. We have known one another since we were 15 years old, sophomore year of high school, when we both started out at prep school. We were good friends in high school, and shared some memorable times (such as the morning of our graduation, when I was hunting her down on campus to bring her dress to her!) We stayed close through college and after. We spent her 21st birthday running around Boston barefoot. I was in her wedding. We had babies 3 weeks apart (her second, my first). And when JP died, Megan was an absolute rock for me. She was one of the first of my friends to arrive, and last to leave. It was the first time I experienced her being a calm presence (she is a very high energy chick!). Having her and her daughter Ruby (her younger daughter) there with me was so comforting. And since then, she has continued to be such a great source of love and support.
A week is a long time to stay with someone. And when kids are involved, it's even more complicated. But Megan and her husband Tony never made me feel like we were imposing. They truly are the best hosts Ever. I felt so comfortable and at home, and they took ridiculously good care of us. We did so many fun things, and I took away a lifetime worth of wonderful memories.
Travel with a toddler is not easy. But having those three kids together was such a treat! Max loved being with the girls, and he and Ruby, or Veebo as he called her, were so cute together. Megan and Tony are wonderful parents and I learned so much from Megan. She is a stellar mother and such a natural! It was so great to see her in action. I hope that by the time Max is asking me questions like her almost-3-year-old does, I will get better at creative, informative answers! She is so patient and kind with her children, and skilled at discipline when necessary (not often - those girls are so wonderful!)
Being with Megan, both with and without the kids, was so good for me. Everything about the trip felt like it was feeding my soul and spirit. It truly made me feel like this year is going to bring good things, and that I have so much to look forward to.
It also made me think that I really need to consider moving out west after school. The mountains spoke to me. I miss them. As much as I love Chicago, the midwest is so flat and boring. I saw a whole new side of the LA area to which I had been utterly blind the summer I lived out there.
I will get into the details of my trip later, but for now I will close by saying that I'm feeling good about the new year. New semester, new haircut and color, new attitude. Things are looking up in 2013.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Catchphrase
As we head into this new year, a year that holds so much promise (both good and bad), I've been trying to find a mantra. Something that I will be able to recite to myself when I'm feeling down or overwhelmed, to get me back on track.
There were two contenders: "strength and honor" (Gladiator), and "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" (Friday Night Lights).
Gladiator is a movie that JP and I both loved separately (when I lived in Ireland, it was one of three movies my roommates and I owned, and we watched it ALL the time - in case you're wondering, the other two were The Big Lebowski and The Exorcist), and JP and I even used it as inspiration when naming Max (Maximos - the Greek spelling of Maximus). Discovering strength I didn't realize I had has been one of the mayo themes of the past 10 1/2 months, and it's something I continue to work on. And as for honor, I intend to live my life in a way that honors JP and the life and love we shared.
But in the end, while strength and honor will always be underlying themes regarding my actions, the goals I set for myself, and the example I hope to set for Max, I decided to go with "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." JP introduced me to FNL, and it was one of the shows that we always watched together. We loved getting to see the new seasons early on the Direct TV channel and then watching the whole thing again when it aired on NBC. And who doesn't feel a connection to this phrase? There is something moving and inspirational about it, something that you wouldn't find in most pre-game psych-up team cheers.
Here is what it means to me now:
Clear Eyes - I strive to keep my eyes open and focused on what I need to be doing for myself and for Max. This is no easy task. Being back in school, the picture of our future is a bit unclear, and that can be scary. But as many changes as we are sure to see over the next few years, I will have my eyes on the prize, my goal of providing a good life for Max. And beyond the logistics of securing our financial future, and that elusive work-life balance, there is the fact that my eyes are so often misted over by tears. The salt on my contacts can literally make my vision blurry. And while I am in a weepy fog, mourning the past and the future that we lost, I risk losing sight of the here and now, and the future. In 2013 I will be working on honoring the past, and working with and through my grief, but not losing sight of what is in front of me, now and in the future. I will set clear goals for myself and I will watch my progress toward those goals. I will see the blessings in my life, pay tribute to them, and be grateful for them. Clear Eyes!
Full Hearts - this one is tough for me. Obviously, I am coping with devastating heartbreak, and there are many times when my heart feels so empty that I expect my whole being to shatter. This year, I will make an effort to recognize that my heart is still full, not just of the love that JP and I shared, but of the love I have for, and receive from, Max and the rest of my family, and all of my wonderful friends. In 2013, when I am feeling alone and empty and broken, I will take stock of all the love I have in my life. I will let my heart be open to new love, not necessarily of the romantic variety, but just in general - I will be open to love in life. Full Hearts!
Can't Lose - this one is even tougher. I know that I will experience losses in 2013. That's life. It can't be helped. One huge loss that I am sadly anticipating in this year is Maddy. She is doing extremely well with her therapy - above and beyond what anyone would have expected or hoped for. But at the end of the day, she has an incurable degenerative condition. The neurologist had originally predicted February as the time by which she would no longer be able to walk. While that prediction was happily inaccurate, it is just a matter of time, and as painful as it is to envision, I am trying to prepare myself to say farewell to my sweet girl in this calendar year. However, I am trying to look at this one in a larger sense of losing versus winning. With all of the support I have around me, from my family and friends, and with Max by my side, it's true - I can't lose. In 2013, I am going to maintain focus on my goals, and even if I don't come out of every battle feeling victorious, I know I will be winning in the end. JP loved my positive spirit (and even though he teased me, he liked my feisty, competitive side as well), and I will not let myself get defeated. Can't Lose!
There were two contenders: "strength and honor" (Gladiator), and "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" (Friday Night Lights).
Gladiator is a movie that JP and I both loved separately (when I lived in Ireland, it was one of three movies my roommates and I owned, and we watched it ALL the time - in case you're wondering, the other two were The Big Lebowski and The Exorcist), and JP and I even used it as inspiration when naming Max (Maximos - the Greek spelling of Maximus). Discovering strength I didn't realize I had has been one of the mayo themes of the past 10 1/2 months, and it's something I continue to work on. And as for honor, I intend to live my life in a way that honors JP and the life and love we shared.
But in the end, while strength and honor will always be underlying themes regarding my actions, the goals I set for myself, and the example I hope to set for Max, I decided to go with "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." JP introduced me to FNL, and it was one of the shows that we always watched together. We loved getting to see the new seasons early on the Direct TV channel and then watching the whole thing again when it aired on NBC. And who doesn't feel a connection to this phrase? There is something moving and inspirational about it, something that you wouldn't find in most pre-game psych-up team cheers.
Here is what it means to me now:
Clear Eyes - I strive to keep my eyes open and focused on what I need to be doing for myself and for Max. This is no easy task. Being back in school, the picture of our future is a bit unclear, and that can be scary. But as many changes as we are sure to see over the next few years, I will have my eyes on the prize, my goal of providing a good life for Max. And beyond the logistics of securing our financial future, and that elusive work-life balance, there is the fact that my eyes are so often misted over by tears. The salt on my contacts can literally make my vision blurry. And while I am in a weepy fog, mourning the past and the future that we lost, I risk losing sight of the here and now, and the future. In 2013 I will be working on honoring the past, and working with and through my grief, but not losing sight of what is in front of me, now and in the future. I will set clear goals for myself and I will watch my progress toward those goals. I will see the blessings in my life, pay tribute to them, and be grateful for them. Clear Eyes!
Full Hearts - this one is tough for me. Obviously, I am coping with devastating heartbreak, and there are many times when my heart feels so empty that I expect my whole being to shatter. This year, I will make an effort to recognize that my heart is still full, not just of the love that JP and I shared, but of the love I have for, and receive from, Max and the rest of my family, and all of my wonderful friends. In 2013, when I am feeling alone and empty and broken, I will take stock of all the love I have in my life. I will let my heart be open to new love, not necessarily of the romantic variety, but just in general - I will be open to love in life. Full Hearts!
Can't Lose - this one is even tougher. I know that I will experience losses in 2013. That's life. It can't be helped. One huge loss that I am sadly anticipating in this year is Maddy. She is doing extremely well with her therapy - above and beyond what anyone would have expected or hoped for. But at the end of the day, she has an incurable degenerative condition. The neurologist had originally predicted February as the time by which she would no longer be able to walk. While that prediction was happily inaccurate, it is just a matter of time, and as painful as it is to envision, I am trying to prepare myself to say farewell to my sweet girl in this calendar year. However, I am trying to look at this one in a larger sense of losing versus winning. With all of the support I have around me, from my family and friends, and with Max by my side, it's true - I can't lose. In 2013, I am going to maintain focus on my goals, and even if I don't come out of every battle feeling victorious, I know I will be winning in the end. JP loved my positive spirit (and even though he teased me, he liked my feisty, competitive side as well), and I will not let myself get defeated. Can't Lose!
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