Catchphrase

As we head into this new year, a year that holds so much promise (both good and bad), I've been trying to find a mantra.  Something that I will be able to recite to myself when I'm feeling down or overwhelmed, to get me back on track.

There were two contenders: "strength and honor" (Gladiator), and "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" (Friday Night Lights).

Gladiator is a movie that JP and I both loved separately (when I lived in Ireland, it was one of three movies my roommates and I owned, and we watched it ALL the time - in case you're wondering, the other two were The Big Lebowski and The Exorcist), and JP and I even used it as inspiration when naming Max (Maximos - the Greek spelling of Maximus).  Discovering strength I didn't realize I had has been one of the mayo themes of the past 10 1/2 months, and it's something I continue to work on.  And as for honor, I intend to live my life in a way that honors JP and the life and love we shared.

But in the end, while strength and honor will always be underlying themes regarding my actions, the goals I set for myself, and the example I hope to set for Max, I decided to go with "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."  JP introduced me to FNL, and it was one of the shows that we always watched together.  We loved getting to see the new seasons early on the Direct TV channel and then watching the whole thing again when it aired on NBC.  And who doesn't feel a connection to this phrase?  There is something moving and inspirational about it, something that you wouldn't find in most pre-game psych-up team cheers.

Here is what it means to me now:

Clear Eyes - I strive to keep my eyes open and focused on what I need to be doing for myself and for Max.  This is no easy task.  Being back in school, the picture of our future is a bit unclear, and that can be scary.  But as many changes as we are sure to see over the next few years, I will have my eyes on the prize, my goal of providing a good life for Max.  And beyond the logistics of securing our financial future, and that elusive work-life balance, there is the fact that my eyes are so often misted over by tears.  The salt on my contacts can literally make my vision blurry.  And while I am in a weepy fog, mourning the past and the future that we lost, I risk losing sight of the here and now, and the future.  In 2013 I will be working on honoring the past, and working with and through my grief, but not losing sight of what is in front of me, now and in the future.  I will set clear goals for myself and I will watch my progress toward those goals.  I will see the blessings in my life, pay tribute to them, and be grateful for them.  Clear Eyes!

Full Hearts - this one is tough for me.  Obviously, I am coping with devastating heartbreak, and there are many times when my heart feels so empty that I expect my whole being to shatter.  This year, I will make an effort to recognize that my heart is still full, not just of the love that JP and I shared, but of the love I have for, and receive from, Max and the rest of my family, and all of my wonderful friends.  In 2013, when I am feeling alone and empty and broken, I will take stock of all the love I have in my life.  I will let my heart be open to new love, not necessarily of the romantic variety, but just in general - I will be open to love in life.  Full Hearts!

Can't Lose - this one is even tougher.  I know that I will experience losses in 2013.  That's life.  It can't be helped.  One huge loss that I am sadly anticipating in this year is Maddy.  She is doing extremely well with her therapy - above and beyond what anyone would have expected or hoped for.  But at the end of the day, she has an incurable degenerative condition.  The neurologist had originally predicted February as the time by which she would no longer be able to walk.  While that prediction was happily inaccurate, it is just a matter of time, and as painful as it is to envision, I am trying to prepare myself to say farewell to my sweet girl in this calendar year.  However, I am trying to look at this one in a larger sense of losing versus winning.  With all of the support I have around me, from my family and friends, and with Max by my side, it's true - I can't lose.  In 2013, I am going to maintain focus on my goals, and even if I don't come out of every battle feeling victorious, I know I will be winning in the end.  JP loved my positive spirit (and even though he teased me, he liked my feisty, competitive side as well), and I will not let myself get defeated.  Can't Lose!