I really would like to be able to fast forward to a time when the "sadiversaries" don't hit me like a double-whammy punch in the nose/kick in the gut. Yesterday was brutal. I found myself crumpling against the wall, weeping. Tears streamed down my face while walking the dogs. I went through a pile of tissues last night while writing a letter to JP. It. Fucking. Sucked. 7-month mark plus the 5-year anniversary of our engagement = too much, man.
Plus it was exhausting not having my parents here! Max was great for his Grammy, but at the end of the day, when he's tired, he wants Mommy. And Mommy is trying to juggle all the dog stuff, domestic stuff, and school stuff. Mommy is tired! On top of everything, I had my TV installed yesterday. Which took a few hours and cost $500. And I still can't get the remote to work the TV. And they hooked it up to my parents' blu-ray player, so I probably have to buy them one (or convince them to use my old DVD player). And then Max was not his usual easy self when we went out to dinner. Thanks, Max.
Today was less of an emotional body-slam, but it was Exhausting. Started with a killer workout at Crossfit (which involved 90 burpees!), followed by a trip to Whole Foods, and on the way home I managed to lose the loaf of bread I bought. Then some homework, made lunch for Max, took each dog for a second walk of the day, and then we went to two playgrounds, where we saw zero other kids! Max still had fun. And after my MIL told me how gross sandbox sand is because cats get in it and leave lots of bacteria, we both watched as Max played in the sand and then sucked his thumb. Eh, he's a city boy. Gotta build up those immunities...to cat bacteria (ew, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). Damn you, feral cats.
Anyhoo, that was followed by a scream session while Grammy tried to give Max his pre-nap bottle (he finally caved and slept), and more homework (stats - glargh!), during which we watched the Patriots suck it big time and lose a game they should have won easily. Right as we were sitting down to dinner, the carbon monoxide alarm started beeping. And I have no ladder. Finally got the caretaker to come out, and the one thing that went my way today was that I had a 9v battery for it.
I still have work for my class tomorrow. I am Freaking the F out about the stats case study being assigned this week. I'm not doing as well in my classes as I would like. My dog is quickly deteriorating. I'm just overwhelmed, and I would really just like to hit fast-forward to a point where I'm feeling settled. Where I'm working, doing something I'm good at, providing for my little guy. Where I feel competent and confident.
But in the meantime, I am so loving watching Max be the awesome little rock star that he is. He is seriously so cute and funny and wonderful. And even though this week I am worrying about getting my work done and having enough hours and brainpower to get through everything, it is sort of nice to be spending more time with him. I mean, who can really complain about that, right? Because in the long run, am I going to say "boy I sure am glad I spent those extra hours trying to puzzle out some piece of statistics for a couple of points higher on one assignment when NO ONE even looks at grad school grades" or am I going to remember the fun we had when Grammy Gail came to visit? I need to remember to apply this thinking to every day. Because school stress + grief = bad. Quality time with my little ham and my sweet pup = good. For them and for me.
Yeah. So. Back to one last item before I indulge in some reading (Outlander) and much-needed sleep.
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