Weekend Update

The past few days have been full of ups and downs.

Maddy took a turn for the worse on Thursday and started losing control of her bowels.  So yeah, she pooped in the house.  Like 4 times.  And while I had previously stated that incontinence would be a big piece of the indication that it might be time to make the Big Decision...I didn't expect it to happen while she's still getting around ok.  So I bought doggie diapers.  Which I now realize would not help thanks to the tail-hole.  And we made it through today with no accidents.  I was really upset when my mom suggested that maybe this might be too much to ask of my friend who is dog-sitting while we're away this coming weekend.  Yes, we're getting closer to having to say goodbye, but it's not happening this week.  It's hard with a slow decline.  It's hard to know when to make that call.  She doesn't appear to be suffering.  She's still her happy, silly self.  She still comes bounding (and falling and flailing) over when she hears anyone getting ice cubes.

Heard David Guetta's "Titanium" song in my Feevha class, and this song kind of sums up how I feel some days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg

My Crossfit gym had a "mixer" on Saturday.  The weather was absolutely perfect for an end-of-summer blast.  People got drunk and silly.  I include myself in that statement.  But it was fun.  Showing up to social events alone is not my favorite thing.  JP always thought I was so silly when I would choose accompanying him to park a car - in the cold/rain, while wearing heels - rather than go into a place by myself.  I didn't even like it when I was meeting him somewhere - that moment of scanning the room, looking for one person, or anyone that you recognize...it's not my favorite.  But I'm finding it to be less difficult now.  Maybe because I have to.  Maybe because that's another little piece of him that's now in me.  He never had a problem walking into a room and working it.

The night got interesting and weird but also kind of good in a strange way when I met someone who is going through something Very Very Different from what I'm going through, but still really just plain awful and heartbreaking.  It's not my story to share, but suffice to say it was nice to be able to open up to someone about what I'm dealing with and not feel like I'm bringing them down, and also to hear what they're going through.  That came out wrong - it wasn't "nice" but it was eye-opening.  Actually, this is the first time that I have heard someone else's tale of woe that was something other than losing a spouse (or child), and have felt any sympathy at all for them.  That's kind of crazy, right?  You'd think that I would be more compassionate in light of my loss.  Or would you?  I've definitely been stuck in the phase of thinking (and yes, sometimes saying with my widow mouth), "yeah, that must really suck for you.  Know what sucks more?  MY HUSBAND IS DEAD."  Not always.  There has been at least one time when I have thought (or said) "just because something unimaginably tragic has happened to me, it doesn't invalidate the hard time you're going through, and I don't want you to not talk to me about your life because you think it will seem petty in comparison."  See - I'm a hypocrite and I have different rules for different situations.  And different moods.  And people.  Anyway, I really did feel quite sorry for this person.  And that felt good.