Lull

Lately I have been feeling like I'm going through a lull in my grieving.  I haven't written in my journal to JP since our wedding anniversary.  I cry, but not as often as I did up until a couple weeks ago (the trip to Albuquerque).  The times I notice the gaping void are the times when I'm annoyed about something - dealing with the logistics of my guardianship of Max's half of the estate, making decisions that we should be making together, being told by my mom how hard it is for her to take care of Max...And a lot of the time, in those instances, I'm more angry than sad.  I definitely get snappy with my mom - widow mouth, can't help it.  But does she seriously think that I would rather be doing homework and taking my crippled dog to therapy than taking care of Max all day?

Anyway, I am feeling very distant from JP.  And I don't know what it means.  Is it a phase?  I mean, I know there are always going to be ups and downs - times when I am able to enjoy life without feeling guilty, and also times when I feel like I've just run into a brick wall of pain.

I guess the other part of it is that I'm finding that I am more energized by things.  A new friendship.  An upcoming weekend in Miami (because my awesome friend bought me a ticket - for HER 30th birthday - can you believe that?).  Crossfit.  School (though not stats!).  I've definitely started being more social.  And it feels nice to get out for something that isn't gym/class/dog therapy.  And I'm starting to at least think about getting back on the proverbial market.  Which is hard to reconcile with intense grieving.  But that's a thread for another time...

I wonder if others experience this type of lull in the grief process.  Or is it really a corner that I'm turning?  I suppose only time will tell.