As I mentioned in my last post, yesterday was the 6-month anniversary of JP's death. It wasn't easy by any means, but it wasn't as hard as I had feared, either. The past few weeks have been tough for me. I can't fall asleep (partly because I miss having him there holding my hand and snuggling with me, partly because I don't have the self-discipline to put my book down without him saying "sleep time" and turning off the light), and then I sleep in. I'm forgetting meals (soooo unlike me) and then snacking late at night. I find it hard to plan ahead. I'm sad.
So I'm trying to stay busy. And yesterday I certainly did that. I took Max to his music class and then we headed out to the burbs. We met up with a friend of JP's, who I hadn't met until the funeral, and a friend of hers who is in a similar situation to me - her husband died of a heart attack about 2 months before JP. She has a son a couple months older than Max and one a few years older. It was good to talk to her, not only because of the similarities in our circumstances (sudden loss, small boy/boys) but because she seems to have a similar outlook as I do. She is very pragmatic, and she wants a lot of the same things from life, and for her children, as I do. I hope that we will be able to be good support systems for one another as we negotiate this new chapter in our lives. And I really like the friend that made the introduction. I'm sorry that life got in the way and that we didn't meet sooner. It was fun being able to share stories about JP, and she is so smart and funny and I like that she is not afraid to ask questions that I think other people tiptoe around. We took the kids to a nice playground and went out to lunch. Max had a wonderful time. The older kids were all so great with him.
Anyway, they say misery loves company, and I'm not sure about that - I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. But there is something to be said for having people you can talk to about all the turmoil and all the heartache and headaches. This woman's situation is very similar to mine, but of course every case is different, and every widow/er's path through grief is as individual as they are. So, same same but different. (I thought I remembered that phrase from a book or movie, Googled it and read the urban dictionary definition. I won't post the third option they provide here, but you're more than welcome to check it out. Obviously that is NOT the definition I'm applying here!)
After our excursion, I went to Crossfit, just as JP would expect me to. Even though he never saw the new space, he was the one who introduced me, and it was due to his efforts to get home early enough and his encouragement that I stuck with it. I feel close to him when I'm in the box. And after my workout, in the alley gym, I came home with a garbage bag of meat. Because that's totally normal to go home from your gym with a sack of beef, right? It is, if your gym does a meat share! I'm really excited to make the roast, and the steaks! Beef was JP's favorite protein, and our last meal together, on Valentine's Day, featured some amazing filet mignon from our local meat market.
Back to yesterday, my mom, Max and I had JP's favorite pizza from our favorite pizza place. They have this sweet sauce that is so delicious. Pepperoni, ricotta, and goat cheese was his favorite topping combo, with a Greek salad. That was our go-to meal (except when I was pregnant and couldn't eat tomato sauce due to heartburn...) We toasted him with Sam Adams and my mom shared lists that she and my dad put together of some of the things they miss most about JP. I am still not ready to do that. The only answer I have right now is that I miss EVERYTHING the most.
Today I felt a bit better than I have lately. I ran some errands at Target and Home Goods, took the dog to her first therapy session (on the way we popped into the pet store next to the place for a quick nail trim and since she only needed the front ones done, they did it for free - perhaps the girl felt bad knowing the whopping amount I was about to fork over for the treatment plan?). Maddy was great for her acupuncture session. So calm and sweet. She had massage therapy and we decided on a harness size for her. I also covered all the hard wood floors in yoga mats! I ordered a bulk role, and put it all down the hallway, and all over the kitchen. Max loves it and it definitely helps for Maddy. I also tried a gymnastics class at crossfit. I am going to be SORE tomorrow! The moral of the story is that I feel better than I have in a while. I'm getting stuff done. And soon I will have school work that I can't put off until Friday as I am doing with my online class this week... I'm going to have to be way more on the ball than I was in college (except maybe when I was nerding out and basically living in the library). Same same but different?
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