Amazing Grace

I've been thinking about Grace a fair amount lately.  Ever since I took a baptism class for Max in July.  And I've seen the topic come up in a couple widow blogs, which has kept it on my mind.

To preface this, I do not belong to any organized religion.  JP was Catholic, and before I go off on a tangent more suited to its own post, I will just say that Max's baptism is the first step on my journey of raising the good Catholic son JP wanted.

To be honest, I had never given the concept of Grace much thought at all.  As in, none.

And then in the class, the Deacon put it so eloquently, and it really was one of those aha moments, if not light shining, angels singing epiphany.  I can't remember his exact words, but he basically described Grace as the ability that God gives us to deal with the hand we're dealt, and to get through life's challenges.  Now, "grace" is not something I have ever considered myself to have.  I equate it with concepts such as elegance and...balance.  Not me.  But Grace?  Yeah, I think I do have some of that.  Because let me tell you, I have learned a LOT about myself in the past 6 months, and most of it has to do with the fact that I have a phenomenal capacity to cope, and to "git 'er done" when necessary.

This is something that I want for my son.  I want him to have Grace.  Whether it's God or his own personal fortitude that gives him that quality, I don't care.  But I want him to have it.  And he deserves to have it.

The first couple of months after I lost JP are pretty much of a blur.  I did what I had to do.  I made decisions.  I sold the condo.  I applied for and was accepted into a graduate program.  I compartmentalized.  I grieved.  I gave my best effort to enjoying my baby boy.  I made a promise to honor JP through the way I live my life.  If it wasn't Grace getting me through, then I don't know what it was.  I like to think that Grace came from JP.  Because I never would have guessed I had it in me.  And now that I know about Grace, I am very cognizant of it.  As I go through slumps and lose ground in my journey of healing and moving forward in my life, I will seek, and hopefully find, my inner reserve of Grace.

I imagine I will come back to this topic many times in the future.