First, I survived February. With the exception of a couple minor incidents, which I will chalk up to end-of-the-worst-month-insanity, I pretty much kicked February's butt. I survived my first birthday without JP. Valentine's Day. And the one-year sadiversary. There was definitely some sharking happening, and I had the support of some amazing friends and family to get me through it all.
I had an idea in my head that on 2/15/13, I would post about 2/15/12. But I didn't have it in me. Maybe at some point, but right now, I'm not ready to go back to that night. And honestly, I think I had put So Much on the year mark that it was almost just a relief to reach it, to get past it. JP's mom had been staying with us, and she had a wonderful visit with Max, who charmed her completely (of course). It was so good to see the two of them together, and he was so attached to her - I'm not sure if it meant more to her or to me to see that! He got sick - norovirus, maybe - on the 14th, and it was the first time I've seen him puke, or be legitimately out-of-it, so it was a huge relief that it only lasted a few hours. That night, my friend Erica (the one who coined the term widow mouth) arrived, and it was so nice to have her by my side for the weekend.
On the day of the 15th, we had a memorial mass. The chapel looked like it was some weird addition to a hunting lodge, but there were a bunch of folks who showed up, which meant so much to me and to Gail. Despite a bit of a freak-out on my part due to one of the guys who did the readings putting out a prayer that the IL house would not pass the bill for gay marriage (thankfully Erica calmed me down before I totally lost it), it was a very nice ceremony. After, Gail treated a bunch of us to breakfast, where Max had a blast devouring waffles.
That night, people congregated at the house. It was a fitting celebration of JP - we had a slideshow going, and Max was up late raging around with the kids and enjoying the company of some of his favorite people. I just remember feeling very much at peace, knowing that JP would want me to spend that night surrounded by some of the most important people in our lives. And the next night, just as he would have expected, Erica and I went out and danced our butts off in Boystown.
I had heard many times that things get easier after the year mark. And I do think something changed. Of course I'm always going to carry this heavy sorrow with me. I'm always going to miss him. I'm going to shed many tears. There are going to be many milestones and difficult times of every year, when I just want to scream about how unfair it is, how much I miss him, how much I would give to bring him back. But with the passage of the year, I find myself more able to look forward, more at ease with this next chapter.
In March I rewarded myself for making it through February. Max and I spent the first 6 days in Albuquerque visiting my brother and his girlfriend. When Erik got home from work, Max saw him through the gate and yelled "Uncle!" - which Erik claimed was the best moment of his life. We had a wonderful visit, involving lots of good food, a great trip to Santa Fe, hiking, and exploring the Nob Hill area. Max was a rock star traveler, and I managed to get the two of us, his stroller, 2 bags (suitcase and backpack), and his huge car seat from the baggage carousel to the cab and into the house with no problems. I fell even more in love with the Southwest, and can't wait for our next visit.
We got a bonus day due to weather in Chicago, and upon our return, I literally handed Max off to my parents at the airport, jumped in the car to go home and get to class, and they got on a plane with him to Florida. Thank goodness he is such a chill little jetsetter.
While Max was living it up in Florida, I did a quick re-pack and headed to Colorado. A group of my college friends was meeting up to surprise my friend Lily's husband for his 30th birthday. Yeah, that's right - for his birthday, all her crazy rugby friends showed up. The party was great, and he was completely surprised, and the next morning we all headed to Steamboat for a weekend of skiing.
Despite some ominous weather forecasts, and a bit of a detour around the mountains, we made it to Steamboat and had a fantastic weekend. I was glad I took a lesson the first day so that I was able to ski with the members of the group who were ok with taking it a bit easier on the second day. Lots of wonderful memories from the long weekend, and I can't wait to get the next trip on the books.
So it's been a whirlwind over the past month, and on the 15th of this month was the first time that I didn't even think about the date. It was the first time in 13 months that I had a legitimately GOOD 15th of the month.
Couple pics from ABQ - hiking at Tent Rocks National Monument, and lunch at The Shed in Santa Fe.
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