But somehow I just wasn't able to translate the positives into posts. And I think it's because in the back of my mind, I knew that we were coming up on another holiday. Holidays, no matter how little relevance they actually had for me and JP, are always going to be difficult. Easter was not a big deal for us because we never celebrated it as a family. We went to Mass, I would cook a big dinner, but let's be honest - Easter is about the bunny and the egg hunts and the candy. And those are the parts that adults don't do on their own (with the exception of Cadbury Creme Eggs...)
Last year I was still in a daze at Easter. And Max was too young to have any idea about the hoopla of the holiday. This year is a whole different story. We took pictures with the Easter Bunny at the local dog store (Maddy's favorite place in the whole wide world), and there has been constant talk about the Easter Bunny bringing fun stuff. I have to get into it for Max.
I figured that given how well I've been doing, I would have no problem getting into the spirit and getting through, or even enjoying, the holiday. But over the past week, I've been cranky and a bit blue. And it wasn't until a friend pointed it out (in response to a text I sent about a regrettable late-night Girl Scout cookie binge) that I truly realized the extent to which the upcoming holiday has affected my mood and behavior.
I've definitely been implementing some dubious coping mechanisms (see aforementioned cookie binge - not my finest moment). And I've been testy with my mom (ok, so that happens regardless of holiday blues). And I've been pretty unmotivated. And a bit worried about the future, bummed about my hip being out of whack, and just feeling disengaged in general. Just feeling "meh."
While I doubt there is any real "solution" to holiday-induced funks, I'm pretty certain that there are better ways of dealing with them than, say, drinking wine in bed or scarfing down Samoas. Working out is a given for me, and tonight I plan on spending about 3 hours at the gym, Crossfitting my blues away. Making adjustments is another - for example, I decided that it would be a good idea for us to switch and go to a different church on Sunday. The one we usually go to is the one where JP's funeral was held, and while I may go back to that one some day (it's where he and I went on Easter), right now, it's not a place where I feel much peace. Christmas Mass there was horrible for me. We'll see if the change in venue helps at all. And no doubt I will be going on a cleaning rampage while my parents are out to dinner tomorrow night. That is always a good little therapy session for me. Also, I got to use my favorite funk-reduction technique, which is buying plane tickets. Booked myself and Max for our trip to Western Mass for my 15th high school reunion. While I'm out there, not only will I see some of my closest, most awesomest gal pals and their progeny, but will also get to see some childhood friends, one of whom will be in town from Costa Rica, and their little ones. I'm "wicked psyched," to use some Masshole lingo.
And of course I'm also going to just let myself sit in my grief a bit. I'm going to make time for that over the weekend, rather than just trying to beat it down and ignore it, or stay too busy to acknowledge it. This is a part of me, and a part of my relationship with JP, and I have to honor that and give the tears their time, too.
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