Last year JP and I drove to Cape Cod to celebrate our first Christmas as a family. We decided on the long drive rather than flying because we wanted to bring Maddy. We were taking a long trip, and didn't want to be separated from her (no one would ever say we were the type of people for whom the dog became "just a dog" after the arrival of a baby). So we loaded up the car with all the necessary items for holiday travel with a dog and infant, and made our way from Chicago, IL, to Falmouth, MA. It was a wonderful trip. We took lots of pictures with Max, and showed him the ocean for the first time (he loved the waves!). We spent lots of time with JP's family, and rang in 2012 with my wonderful high school friends. We were feeling so blessed, and so in tune with the holiday spirit.
I would give just about anything to go back to this time last year...
The holiday season this year pretty much kicked me in the gut, slammed me to the ground, and threw sand in my eyes. Looking back over the past couple months, I am starting to see how much of an impact the awful specter of The First Holiday Season Without JP had on me. I acted in ways that I regret. I did things that I can't take back, the consequences of which are truly unfortunate. I practiced a near-extreme version of escapism. And while I can't undo the things I did, I can focus on moving forward in a healthier way. Coping with grief is incredibly difficult and complex, and there is no formula that says "at x point in time, you should feel y, and here's what to do if you start feeling z." But I'm pretty sure that no self-help book and no therapist would have recommended pretending to be ok, or engaging in the distractions that I was favoring.
I have my work cut out for me - closing the door on this chapter, and working on being a better mother to an insanely wonderful toddler who is insanely attached to his grandmother. I had envisioned lots of Max and Mama time over this break from school, but of course that hasn't really happened. And the whole holiday thing has left me exhausted and unmotivated.
I have tried to get into the holiday spirit in small ways - dressing up for Crossfit, making my brother wear an elf hat to go with my Santa hat while running errands, decorating the tree, decorating cookies, even willingly putting on some Christmas carols here and there. But my heart isn't in it. Maybe next year, but right now I just don't have it in me. And that's ok. This is going to be the toughest year, I'm sure. And once Max is old enough for Santa, I have a feeling I will be able to really get into the spirit - for him, and for JP, who loved Christmas, and always went over the top with gift-giving.
I went to Mass with my mom today. I did enjoy seeing all the little kids in their cute outfits. But as soon as the choir launched into O Come, All Ye Faithful, I started to weep. Then I sort of went numb and tuned out the priest. Then I actually fell asleep for a while. There were times when I felt a sense of peace, but for the most part, I just wanted to get out of the church. I looked at their little flyer about the past year. They held 14 funerals. I just sat there wishing that number had been 13, and I had been reading that fact while holding hands with JP.
My family will be celebrating Christmas on the 26th. My dad is working tomorrow, and Max is too young to know the difference. Tomorrow my brother and I will go to see Les Mis (yes, I will be seeing "the miserables" - the irony is not lost on me). Max will open some presents (we will FaceTime with my MIL, in-laws, and nieces/nephews). And we'll prep for Wednesday.
And I will get through it. There will be tears, no doubt about that, but I will get through it. And after the holidays, Max and I will be traveling to LA to visit a friend and her family, and I think that will be an incredibly healing trip for me. Perfect timing - at the start of a new year, right before a new school semester, and at a time when I really need some time away, some time with someone who has been such a rock for me, and some binding time with Max.
I hope that everyone is able to find some peace and joy this season, and I wish the same for myself.
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