In the Driver's Seat

Anyone who has ever been in a car that I've been driving can attest to the fact that I am a Terrible driver.  Ever since I got my license, someone else has always driven my car.  I was a day student at a predominantly boarding school, and since boarders weren't allowed to drive on campus, I would drive to the edge of the parking lot and switch seats with my friend Emily.  My signature move, when I was forced to man the wheel, was to sit waiting to make a left turn when there was no traffic, and then suddenly peel out in front of a Mack truck.  And then there was the narcolepsy.  I literally ran off the road one day on my way to school, and we were all just lucky that I swerved off the road instead of into the oncoming traffic. 

JP never let me drive.  Unlike me, he was an excellent driver, and enjoyed driving.  I seriously can only remember two times when I was allowed to take the wheel - once was when I was 6 months pregnant and we'd been at a wedding, and the other was when we were driving 2 hours to spend NYE with my friends.  We had driven from Chicago to Cape Cod (second time making that drive, and he didn't let me behind the wheel for even a minute).  Not surprisingly, he wasn't really looking forward to another 4 hour commute to spend one night with my friends.  One of us had to be in the back seat with Max, and he thought he was making me pay for insisting that we go by having me drive.  Little did he know how awful it was being cramped in the back seat!  Needless to say, he drove us back the next day.

I never had to think about limiting my alcohol intake when we drove to meet up with people.  I never had to worry about what parking would be like, or anything like that.  Never had to know how to get anywhere.  Now I'm in the driver's seat.  Ok, I might rely on GPS for directions, but I've definitely been working on parallel parking (won't say I've seen any marked improvement yet...)  It still feels weird.

And I'm in the driver's seat for everything now.  I have to make the decisions.  I have to consult the map, come up with a plan.  For me, and for Max.  It's overwhelming, and I know I've been practicing some escapism to not think about the reality of the situation.  Sure, I have a great support system to go to for advice and consultation, but at the end of the day, I’m the one behind the wheel.  I'm the one who has to decide whether we turn or go straight.

I had a mini-meltdown the other night, and realized that while spending a week partying and enjoying being done with finals was all well and good, I need to tone it down and act like an adult.  I have to take control.  I’m not in the passenger seat anymore, and I’ve got precious cargo on board. 

Will I still give myself permission to blow off steam?  Absolutely.  But I can’t let that part interfere with my efforts to learn how to drive this big rig I’m captaining now.