Decisions, Decisions

The topic we covered in my Organizational Behavior class last week was decision making.  Coincidentally, I have recently been making some terrible decisions.  For starters, I decided to ignore my homework all weekend, and therefore am scrambling to get ready for a presentation tomorrow, and forgot to do a discussion post for my Monday class until 10 minutes before class.  As you might imagine, it was a pathetic effort.  And I'm upset about it because I have made SO MANY GIANT DECISIONS in the past 9 months.  But at the time, I just panicked and spewed something about how I decided to go to Amherst.  Ugh.

I was going to say something about some of the less-than-stellar decisions I've been making recently, but I think I won't.  I've decided that I get a free pass, for a while anyway, and I'm not going to apologize.  I will just say this - it's a good thing I am not cursed with a guilt complex.

Anyway.  So here we are at the holidays.  I've been basically avoiding thinking about it.  Since the last time I posted, I've had a couple of tough days.  Election day was harder than I'd expected.  JP lived and breathed politics, and while we did not see eye-to-eye on everything, it was always a learning experience to watch the results with him.  I didn't vote this year.  Partly because I didn't get my voter registration updated in time, but also partly because I didn't feel strongly that either candidate was all that impressive.  But I didn't expect the day to hit me as hard as it did.  It sucked.

There was also the Remembrance Mass on All Souls Day.  All the pictures of older folks, and then my dashing husband.  I used a picture from our wedding day.  My amazing friends met me out for pizza beforehand, and Max had such a great time.  He was very well behaved during the Mass, as were all the kids who were there.  When I went up to light a candle for JP, even though he had mostly been sitting with other folks, Max started screaming, so I took him.  That was a tough walk.  I could just feel everyone feeling sorry for me.  Ugh.  But between my friend group and JP's colleagues who came, there were about 25 of us and I was so touched.  After, some of my girls joined me for wine, which was a good way to wrap up.

Then there was the 9-month anniversary, November 15th.  That was awful.  I had some sobbing-in-fetal-position breakdowns in the morning and then just started doing what I like to call "sharking" - basically staying in constant movement.  Because if I stopped, I would cry.  I organized and cleaned the kitchen.  I reorganized my closet.  I took Max out for a play date.  I went to Crossfit.  I took a yoga class (for the first time in SO LONG).  And then I wrote to JP in the journal I have in which I write letters to him.  It went from every day to every other, to...the last time I had written was on our wedding anniversary.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because it makes me sad, maybe because I'm just so tired.  I don't know.

Yesterday I went to an early Thanksgiving at my aunt's house.  It was fun seeing my cousins, and Max had a ball playing with their kids.  But my aunt had set two extra settings at the table by accident.  She figured one had been because she was thinking my dad was going to be there, but then was like "who else are we missing?" and it just made me sad.  Because JP is who we were missing.

Anyway, I made it through that.  And the holiday itself will be busy, with my brother and his girlfriend arriving Wednesday.  It won't be easy, but at least I'll be sharking.

There have been good things since my last update, too.  I've been going out and acting like I'm in college, which is actually quite fun.  Spending time with friends, getting in some good Max time.  Lots of Crossfit.  On Saturday I participated in a fundraiser called Fight 2 Give, which benefited the Wounded Warrior Project and World Sport Chicago, which helps introduce kids to sports.  It was a tough workout, but I'm glad I signed up at the last minute.  JP did it last year, so it really was fitting that I did it this year.