Intro

I'm not exactly sure where to start.  My brain has not been functioning in the most organized manner for the past 5 1/2 months.

So I guess I'll just say that I have been thinking about the concept for this blog for a while now.  And I still haven't quite nailed it down.  What I do know is that it is going to be unfiltered.  Please don't judge my grammar or spelling - I'm not editing myself.  

I'm going to keep the intro brief.  If you're reading this, you may already know me and know my story.  If you don't, and you decide to follow this blog, you'll get to know me pretty well over time.  But here are some of the basics: I'm 32, born and raised in MA.  In 2003, I met JP at a Yankees game (what a place for two Red Sox fans to meet...).  The first thing I said when I saw him was "I want that."  Yes, I was quite the proper little lady at 23.  After 5 years of dating, from long-distance to co-habitation, we married in a fairytale wedding on Cape Cod in 2008.  In 2009, we adopted Maddy, a lovable and silly boxer.  In July of 2011, our dream of creating a family together came true and we welcomed our son Maximos (yes, we both loved the movie Gladiator).  And 7 1/2 months later, my world came crashing down around me when JP collapsed at work due to his heart giving out.  Since that horrible night, I have been trying to pick up the pieces and focus on my "precious miracle," Max.  I don't try to make sense of what happened.  There is no sense to it.  But I am doing my best to honor JP by giving Max the best life I can.  And with the help of our friends and family, we're actually doing ok.

Now to define the term "Widow Mouth."  Widow mouth refers to the complete obliteration of whatever filter one might have previously had between brain and mouth.  And when one has gone through a trauma such as the sudden loss of a healthy, beloved spouse, there can perhaps be thoughts in that brain that should not be verbalized.  

The phrase "widow mouth" was coined by my friend Erica, who also happened to be the first victim of my affliction.  I actually have no recollection of it happening, but during the "reception" (which I'm sure I inappropriately referred to as the "after-party" a number of times - hey, it was in an Irish bar) after JP's funeral, I pretty much unleashed on Erica.  Someone told me that I told her she brought "nothing positive" into my life, among other insults.  This is a girl who is like a little sister to me.  This is a girl who let me stay in her house when JP basically dumped me while I was en route to move to Chicago (for him) in 2006.  This is a girl who always has had my back, no matter what.  Oh, she has her issues and her flaws (many of which I pointed out to her and the whole table of my high school friends).  But she did not deserve that tirade.  

No one mentioned my outburst for a while.  In fact, it wasn't until right before Erica was flying out to visit me at my parents' house that I heard anything about it.  Two friends asked me if I had heard from her, or if she was still talking to me.  My reaction was "yeah, she's visiting next weekend - why do you ask?"  When they told me what I'd done, I immediately called Erica to apologize.  She said, in her ever-cheerful matter-of-fact tone of voice, "oh, don't worry about it.  You had widow mouth!"

And so the term came to be.  And I have embraced it.  Sure, I use it as an excuse at times, even if I don't realize I'm doing it.  But as many who know me are aware, my filter has always been faulty, and now I just think that life is too short not to be honest.  To some extent at least...  

So here we are.  I don't have a really clear idea of what I want to accomplish with this blog (other than using it as a jumping-off point for the bestselling, award-winning trilogy I plan on writing, naturally - think Hunger Games meets Twilight meets 50 Shades with a widow as the main character).  I have Max to keep me smiling and focused on the positive, the future, and the amazing legacy left to me by JP.  I have places where I vent to blow off steam.  I have the letters I write to JP for therapy.  I have bottles of wine and ladies' nights for all of the above.  This blog will undoubtedly have some venting, some emotional...stuff, and lots of opinions on lots of different things...from going back to school to parenting to the Red Sox to various things I have gone through and learned about widowhood.  

One thing that I can guarantee is that it will be long-winded, often repetitive, and I will probably drop a few f-bombs here and there.  

Now it's time for me to sleep, but I look forward to seeing where this goes...