On Friday I had my first birthday as a widow. And thanks to the support of my amazing friends, I managed to get through it without any major meltdowns. Happy? I don't know. Not while I was sober...but I had a fun group out with me that night, and I definitely managed to compartmentalize and enjoy the evening. There are parts I don't remember, and that might not be such a bad thing.
So, one more milestone checked off the list. Survived.
Next up is the one-two punch of Valentine's Day and the one-year mark. My friend Erica, one of my superstar friends, is coming to be with me, arriving Thursday night. I have made a promise to myself and to JP that she and I will have fun together despite how awful Friday will be. He loved her, and I know he would want me to have fun with her while she's here being the amazing support system she has been through this and so much else.
And JP's mom is here for the week. She and Max are having an absolute blast. She is so impressed by how verbal he is, and how amazing in general. He wakes up from naps looking for Grammy, and has just completely taken to her. It warms my heart to see them together.
They're going to have a long day tomorrow, with me being out of the house for school from 1pm until 9:30pm, but I'm sure they'll do fine. I was pretty stressed about this week, with all the work I have to do, and the weather making it so that there are no options for outdoor activities, but I'm realizing that what needs to get done will get done, and I just have to let go a little. It will all be fine.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Heartbreak
February strikes again.
Yesterday I received the heartbreaking news that a dear friend lost her baby, more than halfway through her pregnancy. I simply cannot imagine what she must be going through right now. And on top of that devastating loss, she is recovering from emergency surgery. My heart is breaking for her and her family. As I have mentioned before, I have a hard time processing others' losses, as I have no choice but to filter everything through my own grief. The loss of a child is the only thing I can imagine as being worse than the loss of a spouse. I don't want to even think about the emotions she must be feeling now, and indeed will feel forever. I can only hope that her physical healing goes quickly, and that she is able to find some peace in the future.
This friend is a tough cookie. She has her head screwed on right, has always been very pragmatic, and has a warm, sparkling personality. She has a wonderful sense of humor, and doesn't take herself, or anyone else, too seriously. She is a fiercely loyal friend, and she is the kind of girl you want to have on your side (she can be a bit intimidating!) I hope for her sake, and for that of her family, that she pulls through this with the strength and perseverance that I have always seen in her. I hope she doesn't lose her ability to laugh, to be light.
I hope that when she is ready to talk, or to cry, that she will be able to call me and know that I want her to share with me.
Seriously, February, are you kidding me?
Yesterday I received the heartbreaking news that a dear friend lost her baby, more than halfway through her pregnancy. I simply cannot imagine what she must be going through right now. And on top of that devastating loss, she is recovering from emergency surgery. My heart is breaking for her and her family. As I have mentioned before, I have a hard time processing others' losses, as I have no choice but to filter everything through my own grief. The loss of a child is the only thing I can imagine as being worse than the loss of a spouse. I don't want to even think about the emotions she must be feeling now, and indeed will feel forever. I can only hope that her physical healing goes quickly, and that she is able to find some peace in the future.
This friend is a tough cookie. She has her head screwed on right, has always been very pragmatic, and has a warm, sparkling personality. She has a wonderful sense of humor, and doesn't take herself, or anyone else, too seriously. She is a fiercely loyal friend, and she is the kind of girl you want to have on your side (she can be a bit intimidating!) I hope for her sake, and for that of her family, that she pulls through this with the strength and perseverance that I have always seen in her. I hope she doesn't lose her ability to laugh, to be light.
I hope that when she is ready to talk, or to cry, that she will be able to call me and know that I want her to share with me.
Seriously, February, are you kidding me?
Monday, February 4, 2013
The Big Game
First Super Bowl without JP. I think if the Patriots had been in it, it would have been incredibly difficult. As it was, I paid little attention to the game, and managed to have a nice time.
The first Super Bowl I watched with JP was in 2004, Patriots versus Panthers. I remember we accidentally ended up at a Carolina bar in NYC. The owner was a former star of Duke's basketball team. And we had been referencing Office Space, and then a couple minutes later, Ron Livingston came in and sat right by us. Weird. And when the Pats won, the bar owner brought us a cheese and sausage platter as well as a bottle of champagne. So nice! The following year, I think we went to another bar. I know we were in NYC, but I can't remember details. In 2006, I was about to move to Chicago and things were a little strained between us. I think that I was in MA and he was in Chicago. In 2007, we had thrown my birthday party the night before, and my guess is that we watched it by ourselves at his condo. In 2008, we were in DC and the Pats were playing the Giants. I just remember that we turned off the tv with 2 minutes to go, and went to bed. The next day, JP got to work to find that his Giants fan assistant had put Giants posters all over his office, in all his drawers, etc. Pretty good prank. In 2009, I think we threw a party. We were back in Chicago, and I remember thinking I would never throw another Super Bowl party because I didn't get to watch any of the game or commercials due to being on hostess duty. This was right before we got Maddy, before we went to St. John. 2010 and 2011 I have to say I don't remember. I am guessing that we had done my karaoke 30th birthday party the night before the 2010 game, based on the dates. In 2011 I was pregnant, so I'm guessing we just watched it at home, but I really don't remember.
Last year, all 3 of us put on all our Pats attire. JP had been so excited about Max's first Super Bowl. We expected a Patriots victory, of course. Max didn't last much longer than kickoff, and neither did the Pats. Once again, after a disappointing loss to the Giants, the jerseys were stripped off and tossed into the closet before the game ended, and we vowed not to speak of football until the next season. Little did we know, there would be no next season. Little did we know that our time together would end in 10 days' time.
This time of year used to be exciting. Even if the Patriots weren't in the Super Bowl, I always enjoyed watching it with JP. And now it's just another crappy part of a horrible month. I'm glad I did something different, with people who didn't know JP. I think that helped. But I was missing my football fanatic, and I always will on Super Bowl Sunday.
The first Super Bowl I watched with JP was in 2004, Patriots versus Panthers. I remember we accidentally ended up at a Carolina bar in NYC. The owner was a former star of Duke's basketball team. And we had been referencing Office Space, and then a couple minutes later, Ron Livingston came in and sat right by us. Weird. And when the Pats won, the bar owner brought us a cheese and sausage platter as well as a bottle of champagne. So nice! The following year, I think we went to another bar. I know we were in NYC, but I can't remember details. In 2006, I was about to move to Chicago and things were a little strained between us. I think that I was in MA and he was in Chicago. In 2007, we had thrown my birthday party the night before, and my guess is that we watched it by ourselves at his condo. In 2008, we were in DC and the Pats were playing the Giants. I just remember that we turned off the tv with 2 minutes to go, and went to bed. The next day, JP got to work to find that his Giants fan assistant had put Giants posters all over his office, in all his drawers, etc. Pretty good prank. In 2009, I think we threw a party. We were back in Chicago, and I remember thinking I would never throw another Super Bowl party because I didn't get to watch any of the game or commercials due to being on hostess duty. This was right before we got Maddy, before we went to St. John. 2010 and 2011 I have to say I don't remember. I am guessing that we had done my karaoke 30th birthday party the night before the 2010 game, based on the dates. In 2011 I was pregnant, so I'm guessing we just watched it at home, but I really don't remember.
Last year, all 3 of us put on all our Pats attire. JP had been so excited about Max's first Super Bowl. We expected a Patriots victory, of course. Max didn't last much longer than kickoff, and neither did the Pats. Once again, after a disappointing loss to the Giants, the jerseys were stripped off and tossed into the closet before the game ended, and we vowed not to speak of football until the next season. Little did we know, there would be no next season. Little did we know that our time together would end in 10 days' time.
This time of year used to be exciting. Even if the Patriots weren't in the Super Bowl, I always enjoyed watching it with JP. And now it's just another crappy part of a horrible month. I'm glad I did something different, with people who didn't know JP. I think that helped. But I was missing my football fanatic, and I always will on Super Bowl Sunday.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Abundance
I have a set of Angel cards from years and years ago - high school, probably. For anyone unfamiliar with Angel cards, they are just these little cards with inspirational words on them. I'm not sure if they're supposed to work more as fortunes or suggestions for qualities you should try to embody, but either way, I just like them. Lately I've been finding myself pulling cards on a pretty regular basis. A few months ago, when I was really starting to get into making progress at CrossFit, I pulled the Strength card. And more recently, when I was a bit lost and confused and not in a great place, I pulled the Clarity card (and took a picture, which ironically came out super blurry!) After pulling the Clarity card, I got some things sorted out and ended up feeling like I was in a much better place.
Tonight I pulled Abundance. My first thought was WTF. I mean, it's February. February = loss to me. February means feeling utterly bereft and robbed and alone. Abundance? Maybe it was referring to the massive quantity of calories I consumed while having a girls' day today.
But then I took a moment to think about it. What do I have in abundance? Friends, love, support. And lots of activities on my calendar. I've managed to stay incredibly busy for the first two days of February, and I don't plan on slowing down until the end. I am booking myself solid this month, and hoping that by staying busy and distracted, I will get past the 15th and out of the month without completely falling apart.
What else do I have in abundance? Strength, for sure. And faith that things will get better.
Tonight I pulled Abundance. My first thought was WTF. I mean, it's February. February = loss to me. February means feeling utterly bereft and robbed and alone. Abundance? Maybe it was referring to the massive quantity of calories I consumed while having a girls' day today.
But then I took a moment to think about it. What do I have in abundance? Friends, love, support. And lots of activities on my calendar. I've managed to stay incredibly busy for the first two days of February, and I don't plan on slowing down until the end. I am booking myself solid this month, and hoping that by staying busy and distracted, I will get past the 15th and out of the month without completely falling apart.
What else do I have in abundance? Strength, for sure. And faith that things will get better.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
The F Word
I'm talking about February. Worst month of the year. As far as I'm concerned, February will never be anything but frakking awful.
On Super Bowl Sunday, I will remember that the last Super Bowl JP and I watched together, and the only one Max ever saw with his daddy, resulted in a Patriots loss.
February 8th is my birthday. Last year marked the first and last time we went out to dinner, just the two of us, after Max was born. My wonderful friend Blythe, who continues to be such an amazing, selfless, and helpful support system for me, insisted that we let her stay with Max while we went out. Appropriately, we went to our favorite Greek restaurant. I'm grateful for that nice memory. But February 8th is always going to be painful.
Valentine's Day. Our last night together. Which was nice, as I've said before. But man, I already pretty much hated that holiday and now...ugh.
And of course that is followed by the 15th. For which I have no words. That f-ing horrible juxtaposition of a "romantic" holiday followed by the anniversary of JP's death is just...not fair.
Oh and not to mention the fact that February is just the most dismal month of the year. Bad weather, and just yuck.
Good thing it's also the shortest month of the year.
So what's my plan for getting through F-ing February? Sharking, of course. I'm keeping busy, starting with Day 1. Trying to just fill my calendar so I don't obsess over the 15th, or the other no-fun time markers in between. Ugh.
On Super Bowl Sunday, I will remember that the last Super Bowl JP and I watched together, and the only one Max ever saw with his daddy, resulted in a Patriots loss.
February 8th is my birthday. Last year marked the first and last time we went out to dinner, just the two of us, after Max was born. My wonderful friend Blythe, who continues to be such an amazing, selfless, and helpful support system for me, insisted that we let her stay with Max while we went out. Appropriately, we went to our favorite Greek restaurant. I'm grateful for that nice memory. But February 8th is always going to be painful.
Valentine's Day. Our last night together. Which was nice, as I've said before. But man, I already pretty much hated that holiday and now...ugh.
And of course that is followed by the 15th. For which I have no words. That f-ing horrible juxtaposition of a "romantic" holiday followed by the anniversary of JP's death is just...not fair.
Oh and not to mention the fact that February is just the most dismal month of the year. Bad weather, and just yuck.
Good thing it's also the shortest month of the year.
So what's my plan for getting through F-ing February? Sharking, of course. I'm keeping busy, starting with Day 1. Trying to just fill my calendar so I don't obsess over the 15th, or the other no-fun time markers in between. Ugh.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Should've known this would be tough...
Today I had my first visit to my lady doctor since losing JP. In fact, the last time I was there, Max was 8 weeks old (I was getting the green light to start Crossfit), and the worst part was that I was leaking milk all over the gown.
I'd already alerted the office about JP's death, and because I wouldn't have to answer a "what's new since your last visit?" or "are you here because you're thinking about baby number two?" question with "my husband died," I didn't really give it much thought. Until I sat down in the waiting room and saw the other patients: women with their husbands (these are usually the ones with the little bump, either eager to both be involved, or there for the 20-week ultrasound), and women with big bellies getting their glucose tests done, or there for their weekly checkup. And so when my doctor, who has known me since 2006, who saw me through the frustration of not being able to get pregnant for a year, who helped me breeze through a healthy, wonderful pregnancy, asked "did I read this correctly in your file?" I dissolved into a weepy mess. I'm not sure if I was able to convince her that I'm actually doing better than I seemed to be, but when she asked if I'm talking to anyone about it, and I said I tried therapy but hated it, so now I blog and Crossfit, she didn't push the issue.
Being in that office, 2 weeks away from 33, reminded me that if JP hadn't been taken from me, right about now is when I would have hoped to coming to the end of my first trimester with baby number two. Now I worry that by the time I am ready for that again, if I even ever find someone with whom I would want to have a family, it will be too late. I try not to think about that too often - I mean, I'm not even ready for dating - but it's hard not to think about the baby stuff when I see Max with other kids and want so much for him to have a sibling.
Good thing I only have to go to that office once a year.
I'd already alerted the office about JP's death, and because I wouldn't have to answer a "what's new since your last visit?" or "are you here because you're thinking about baby number two?" question with "my husband died," I didn't really give it much thought. Until I sat down in the waiting room and saw the other patients: women with their husbands (these are usually the ones with the little bump, either eager to both be involved, or there for the 20-week ultrasound), and women with big bellies getting their glucose tests done, or there for their weekly checkup. And so when my doctor, who has known me since 2006, who saw me through the frustration of not being able to get pregnant for a year, who helped me breeze through a healthy, wonderful pregnancy, asked "did I read this correctly in your file?" I dissolved into a weepy mess. I'm not sure if I was able to convince her that I'm actually doing better than I seemed to be, but when she asked if I'm talking to anyone about it, and I said I tried therapy but hated it, so now I blog and Crossfit, she didn't push the issue.
Being in that office, 2 weeks away from 33, reminded me that if JP hadn't been taken from me, right about now is when I would have hoped to coming to the end of my first trimester with baby number two. Now I worry that by the time I am ready for that again, if I even ever find someone with whom I would want to have a family, it will be too late. I try not to think about that too often - I mean, I'm not even ready for dating - but it's hard not to think about the baby stuff when I see Max with other kids and want so much for him to have a sibling.
Good thing I only have to go to that office once a year.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
California Knows how to Party
I started this post a while ago, but between the chaos of getting back to non-holiday mode (new semester at grad school, Max's music and swimming classes, Maddy therapy, etc.) and the approach of the one-year mark, I haven't had the chance to blog.
As I said before, the trip was amazing. Spending time with Megan and her family was so good for my heart and soul. I had an absolute blast, and I am so lucky that I have friends like Megan.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip:
As I said before, the trip was amazing. Spending time with Megan and her family was so good for my heart and soul. I had an absolute blast, and I am so lucky that I have friends like Megan.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip:
- Kiddo dance parties! Max had so much fun dancing with his buddies every night.
- Bath time! Rub-a-dub-dub, 3 little ones in a tub.
- Hiking! For all the Crossfit I do, the endurance classes I take...I was really sucking wind! I'm sure the altitude didn't help, but boy do I see why Megan is looking so great these days!
- Going to a taping of Ellen. Yeah, I did the worm on her stage during the audience warm up before the show - so fun!
- Getting my In-N-Out and Fatburger fixes (if there were Fatburger in Chicago, I would weigh 300 pounds...)
- Getting my Polly's Pies fix with my niece Jessica.
- Driving through the canyons with Jessica and her boyfriend, spending some time with them on Venice Beach.
- Driving on the 405 - can't explain it, but I felt super legit for some reason.
- Girls' Game night at Megan's with her friends, who are all really nice.
- Pilates classes - killer workout! My abs were sore!
- The zoo - we stayed for 3 hours, and there were no meltdowns (until we got in the car, that is!)
- Bar Trivia (our team won), and karaoke. Met a friend of one of Megan's friends who lives in my neighborhood (small world!) and met one of her neighbors, who is a musician, and is awesome (The White Buffalo - check him out!), and was amazing at karaoke. Megan and I took the mic from a guy who was butchering Bob Marley, and did a really bad job with Salt-n-Pepa.
- And more than anything, just getting to spend so much quality time with a wonderful friend. I don't have the words to express how much that girl means to me. I'm so glad we made this trip work. I have also found my new vacation destination.
Here are some pics:
What a great welcome!!
After having some breakfast and pie at Polly's - just like I used to on Sundays when I lived in Westwood for a summer!
Kidlets at the zoo
We had a car full of crying, screaming kids (one of whom had wet herself), but that didn't stop us from waiting in a Long line of cars to get burgers and fries...
Max getting pushed by the girls at the zoo.
Carousel at the zoo.
Max, Jessica, and Zoltar at Venice Beach.
Us on TV!
Here is what I was doing when I wasn't carrying Max - chasing him around so he wouldn't end up running off a ledge or mountainside!
Max and Ruby, or Veebo, as he called her...
Heavy lifting!
Practicing my handstands on the mountain.
We didn't even have to drive to get to this hike.
Max and Lily sharing a hug
There were lots of jumping pics...
Getting back to real life has been an adjustment, but I have a lifetime of amazing memories from that week, and there will be many more trips to come! And anytime I'm feeling overwhelmed by things, all I have to do is look at the pictures or think about the good times we had, and immediately I feel 100 times better.
Looking forward to when I can say, "I'm going, going back, back to Cali, Cali..."
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Lucky Number 13?
Well, here we are, 11 days into 2013, and so far so good.
I welcomed 2013 with Max in my arms and Maddy by my side. Deciding what to do for NYE was not easy for me. First I thought I should get out of town. Then I thought I should stay in and drink champagne alone in my bed. Then I thought I should Go Out. Then I spontaneously decided to go to the Eve of the Eve charity event (which ended up being a very fun night. I let loose, had a wild and wonderful moment that can only happen on a night like that, had a good time with some friends, met some new people, and enjoyed seeing everyone all dressed up). So for actual NYE, I was just going to lay low. I ended up going to a concert with a friend who has recently come back into my life, and it was the perfect way to spend the evening. Stayed sober, ran into someone I know (which made me feel super legit), and enjoyed some good music. We left after the opening act, so that I could be home by midnight. It was great to wake up on January first feeling healthy and rested. Sure, there were some tears, but how could there not be? That afternoon I got in a good workout with a couple of my Crossfit buddies and they even started teaching me some boxing basics (fun despite the stinky gloves!)
And so the year got off to a good start. I did a driving tour of various schools courtesy of the friend with whom I spent NYE, and have some research to do (plenty of time, but good to start thinking about it sooner rather than later).
And then on the 4th, Max and I flew to LA to visit my friend Megan and her family. I probably have about 5 posts' worth of material from our trip, so I will try to break it up a bit. I have to start by introducing Megan. We have known one another since we were 15 years old, sophomore year of high school, when we both started out at prep school. We were good friends in high school, and shared some memorable times (such as the morning of our graduation, when I was hunting her down on campus to bring her dress to her!) We stayed close through college and after. We spent her 21st birthday running around Boston barefoot. I was in her wedding. We had babies 3 weeks apart (her second, my first). And when JP died, Megan was an absolute rock for me. She was one of the first of my friends to arrive, and last to leave. It was the first time I experienced her being a calm presence (she is a very high energy chick!). Having her and her daughter Ruby (her younger daughter) there with me was so comforting. And since then, she has continued to be such a great source of love and support.
A week is a long time to stay with someone. And when kids are involved, it's even more complicated. But Megan and her husband Tony never made me feel like we were imposing. They truly are the best hosts Ever. I felt so comfortable and at home, and they took ridiculously good care of us. We did so many fun things, and I took away a lifetime worth of wonderful memories.
Travel with a toddler is not easy. But having those three kids together was such a treat! Max loved being with the girls, and he and Ruby, or Veebo as he called her, were so cute together. Megan and Tony are wonderful parents and I learned so much from Megan. She is a stellar mother and such a natural! It was so great to see her in action. I hope that by the time Max is asking me questions like her almost-3-year-old does, I will get better at creative, informative answers! She is so patient and kind with her children, and skilled at discipline when necessary (not often - those girls are so wonderful!)
Being with Megan, both with and without the kids, was so good for me. Everything about the trip felt like it was feeding my soul and spirit. It truly made me feel like this year is going to bring good things, and that I have so much to look forward to.
It also made me think that I really need to consider moving out west after school. The mountains spoke to me. I miss them. As much as I love Chicago, the midwest is so flat and boring. I saw a whole new side of the LA area to which I had been utterly blind the summer I lived out there.
I will get into the details of my trip later, but for now I will close by saying that I'm feeling good about the new year. New semester, new haircut and color, new attitude. Things are looking up in 2013.
And so the year got off to a good start. I did a driving tour of various schools courtesy of the friend with whom I spent NYE, and have some research to do (plenty of time, but good to start thinking about it sooner rather than later).
And then on the 4th, Max and I flew to LA to visit my friend Megan and her family. I probably have about 5 posts' worth of material from our trip, so I will try to break it up a bit. I have to start by introducing Megan. We have known one another since we were 15 years old, sophomore year of high school, when we both started out at prep school. We were good friends in high school, and shared some memorable times (such as the morning of our graduation, when I was hunting her down on campus to bring her dress to her!) We stayed close through college and after. We spent her 21st birthday running around Boston barefoot. I was in her wedding. We had babies 3 weeks apart (her second, my first). And when JP died, Megan was an absolute rock for me. She was one of the first of my friends to arrive, and last to leave. It was the first time I experienced her being a calm presence (she is a very high energy chick!). Having her and her daughter Ruby (her younger daughter) there with me was so comforting. And since then, she has continued to be such a great source of love and support.
A week is a long time to stay with someone. And when kids are involved, it's even more complicated. But Megan and her husband Tony never made me feel like we were imposing. They truly are the best hosts Ever. I felt so comfortable and at home, and they took ridiculously good care of us. We did so many fun things, and I took away a lifetime worth of wonderful memories.
Travel with a toddler is not easy. But having those three kids together was such a treat! Max loved being with the girls, and he and Ruby, or Veebo as he called her, were so cute together. Megan and Tony are wonderful parents and I learned so much from Megan. She is a stellar mother and such a natural! It was so great to see her in action. I hope that by the time Max is asking me questions like her almost-3-year-old does, I will get better at creative, informative answers! She is so patient and kind with her children, and skilled at discipline when necessary (not often - those girls are so wonderful!)
Being with Megan, both with and without the kids, was so good for me. Everything about the trip felt like it was feeding my soul and spirit. It truly made me feel like this year is going to bring good things, and that I have so much to look forward to.
It also made me think that I really need to consider moving out west after school. The mountains spoke to me. I miss them. As much as I love Chicago, the midwest is so flat and boring. I saw a whole new side of the LA area to which I had been utterly blind the summer I lived out there.
I will get into the details of my trip later, but for now I will close by saying that I'm feeling good about the new year. New semester, new haircut and color, new attitude. Things are looking up in 2013.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Catchphrase
As we head into this new year, a year that holds so much promise (both good and bad), I've been trying to find a mantra. Something that I will be able to recite to myself when I'm feeling down or overwhelmed, to get me back on track.
There were two contenders: "strength and honor" (Gladiator), and "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" (Friday Night Lights).
Gladiator is a movie that JP and I both loved separately (when I lived in Ireland, it was one of three movies my roommates and I owned, and we watched it ALL the time - in case you're wondering, the other two were The Big Lebowski and The Exorcist), and JP and I even used it as inspiration when naming Max (Maximos - the Greek spelling of Maximus). Discovering strength I didn't realize I had has been one of the mayo themes of the past 10 1/2 months, and it's something I continue to work on. And as for honor, I intend to live my life in a way that honors JP and the life and love we shared.
But in the end, while strength and honor will always be underlying themes regarding my actions, the goals I set for myself, and the example I hope to set for Max, I decided to go with "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." JP introduced me to FNL, and it was one of the shows that we always watched together. We loved getting to see the new seasons early on the Direct TV channel and then watching the whole thing again when it aired on NBC. And who doesn't feel a connection to this phrase? There is something moving and inspirational about it, something that you wouldn't find in most pre-game psych-up team cheers.
Here is what it means to me now:
Clear Eyes - I strive to keep my eyes open and focused on what I need to be doing for myself and for Max. This is no easy task. Being back in school, the picture of our future is a bit unclear, and that can be scary. But as many changes as we are sure to see over the next few years, I will have my eyes on the prize, my goal of providing a good life for Max. And beyond the logistics of securing our financial future, and that elusive work-life balance, there is the fact that my eyes are so often misted over by tears. The salt on my contacts can literally make my vision blurry. And while I am in a weepy fog, mourning the past and the future that we lost, I risk losing sight of the here and now, and the future. In 2013 I will be working on honoring the past, and working with and through my grief, but not losing sight of what is in front of me, now and in the future. I will set clear goals for myself and I will watch my progress toward those goals. I will see the blessings in my life, pay tribute to them, and be grateful for them. Clear Eyes!
Full Hearts - this one is tough for me. Obviously, I am coping with devastating heartbreak, and there are many times when my heart feels so empty that I expect my whole being to shatter. This year, I will make an effort to recognize that my heart is still full, not just of the love that JP and I shared, but of the love I have for, and receive from, Max and the rest of my family, and all of my wonderful friends. In 2013, when I am feeling alone and empty and broken, I will take stock of all the love I have in my life. I will let my heart be open to new love, not necessarily of the romantic variety, but just in general - I will be open to love in life. Full Hearts!
Can't Lose - this one is even tougher. I know that I will experience losses in 2013. That's life. It can't be helped. One huge loss that I am sadly anticipating in this year is Maddy. She is doing extremely well with her therapy - above and beyond what anyone would have expected or hoped for. But at the end of the day, she has an incurable degenerative condition. The neurologist had originally predicted February as the time by which she would no longer be able to walk. While that prediction was happily inaccurate, it is just a matter of time, and as painful as it is to envision, I am trying to prepare myself to say farewell to my sweet girl in this calendar year. However, I am trying to look at this one in a larger sense of losing versus winning. With all of the support I have around me, from my family and friends, and with Max by my side, it's true - I can't lose. In 2013, I am going to maintain focus on my goals, and even if I don't come out of every battle feeling victorious, I know I will be winning in the end. JP loved my positive spirit (and even though he teased me, he liked my feisty, competitive side as well), and I will not let myself get defeated. Can't Lose!
There were two contenders: "strength and honor" (Gladiator), and "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" (Friday Night Lights).
Gladiator is a movie that JP and I both loved separately (when I lived in Ireland, it was one of three movies my roommates and I owned, and we watched it ALL the time - in case you're wondering, the other two were The Big Lebowski and The Exorcist), and JP and I even used it as inspiration when naming Max (Maximos - the Greek spelling of Maximus). Discovering strength I didn't realize I had has been one of the mayo themes of the past 10 1/2 months, and it's something I continue to work on. And as for honor, I intend to live my life in a way that honors JP and the life and love we shared.
But in the end, while strength and honor will always be underlying themes regarding my actions, the goals I set for myself, and the example I hope to set for Max, I decided to go with "clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." JP introduced me to FNL, and it was one of the shows that we always watched together. We loved getting to see the new seasons early on the Direct TV channel and then watching the whole thing again when it aired on NBC. And who doesn't feel a connection to this phrase? There is something moving and inspirational about it, something that you wouldn't find in most pre-game psych-up team cheers.
Here is what it means to me now:
Clear Eyes - I strive to keep my eyes open and focused on what I need to be doing for myself and for Max. This is no easy task. Being back in school, the picture of our future is a bit unclear, and that can be scary. But as many changes as we are sure to see over the next few years, I will have my eyes on the prize, my goal of providing a good life for Max. And beyond the logistics of securing our financial future, and that elusive work-life balance, there is the fact that my eyes are so often misted over by tears. The salt on my contacts can literally make my vision blurry. And while I am in a weepy fog, mourning the past and the future that we lost, I risk losing sight of the here and now, and the future. In 2013 I will be working on honoring the past, and working with and through my grief, but not losing sight of what is in front of me, now and in the future. I will set clear goals for myself and I will watch my progress toward those goals. I will see the blessings in my life, pay tribute to them, and be grateful for them. Clear Eyes!
Full Hearts - this one is tough for me. Obviously, I am coping with devastating heartbreak, and there are many times when my heart feels so empty that I expect my whole being to shatter. This year, I will make an effort to recognize that my heart is still full, not just of the love that JP and I shared, but of the love I have for, and receive from, Max and the rest of my family, and all of my wonderful friends. In 2013, when I am feeling alone and empty and broken, I will take stock of all the love I have in my life. I will let my heart be open to new love, not necessarily of the romantic variety, but just in general - I will be open to love in life. Full Hearts!
Can't Lose - this one is even tougher. I know that I will experience losses in 2013. That's life. It can't be helped. One huge loss that I am sadly anticipating in this year is Maddy. She is doing extremely well with her therapy - above and beyond what anyone would have expected or hoped for. But at the end of the day, she has an incurable degenerative condition. The neurologist had originally predicted February as the time by which she would no longer be able to walk. While that prediction was happily inaccurate, it is just a matter of time, and as painful as it is to envision, I am trying to prepare myself to say farewell to my sweet girl in this calendar year. However, I am trying to look at this one in a larger sense of losing versus winning. With all of the support I have around me, from my family and friends, and with Max by my side, it's true - I can't lose. In 2013, I am going to maintain focus on my goals, and even if I don't come out of every battle feeling victorious, I know I will be winning in the end. JP loved my positive spirit (and even though he teased me, he liked my feisty, competitive side as well), and I will not let myself get defeated. Can't Lose!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes...
How do you measure a year? The answer to this question, according to RENT, which happens to be one of my favorite musicals (natch), is that you measure a year in seasons of love. I am always going to remember 2012 as the year in which I lost my love, but in many ways, I can still measure this atrocious year in the various sources and types of love that surround me.
2012 kicked off with so much promise. JP, Max, Maddy and I spent NYE with my wonderful high school friends, who are like sisters to me, and their families (including not just husbands and kids, but siblings and cousins, too). We had just gathered together to meet the newest addition to our group, and I was thrilled to be welcoming in the new year with my girls. We put Max to bed and played board games, while Maddy snuck her big tongue into wine glasses. I remember feeling so lucky, blessed, and excited to see what 2012 would bring. There I was, with my perfect little family - sweet dog, perfect baby boy, married to my best friend - surrounded by friends, cocooned in love.
When my world crashed down around my ears, there were moments (and not the short kind) when I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. How would I ever experience love again when I had lost my true love, my best friend? Over the past 10 1/2 months, I have learned important lessons about love, and how much of it I have in my life, in so many different forms.
First and foremost, I have Max. As a mother, I get to experience a love that has no parallel. Hearing Max say "mama" or "mommy" gives my heart wings, and seeing JP in him - in his face, his personality, his expressions and movements - is a constant reminder of the love that brought him into this world. Not only that, but Max is a constant reminder that although JP is no longer physically with us, my love for him, and his love for me and Max, is not gone. We will always have that.
And where would I be without the love of my family? My parents have made so many sacrifices for us, and I am ashamed of how poor a job I do at showing them how much I appreciate everything they do for me and for Max. I am so lucky to have such a loving, understanding family. My parents have taken such amazing care of us. They have such a special relationship with Max, and although it has been a challenge for all of us to adjust to my attempt to balance family, school, and a social life, they have been wonderful. And let's face it - sometimes I need someone to reign me in. As for my brother, he has been a rock for me. He lets me vent about the frustrations that come from living with one's parents, and does a good job playing mediator when necessary. Not to mention being an amazing uncle to Max.
But the family love doesn't stop there, of course. I have the world's most wonderful mother in law. Max's Grammy is a pillar of strength and amazingness. Thinking about the losses she has suffered makes me so angry: losing her firstborn and her baby - how is it fair that someone so kind and wonderful should have to experience those tragedies? And yet she has not lost her faith. And she still manages to put everyone else before her, and take care of those around her. I'm in awe of her, and I am so glad we are close. Max has a wonderful family on his daddy's side of the family, and one of the intentions I have set for myself is to ensure that he has strong relationships with them. His cousins are so wonderful, and seeing them with him does my heart good.
Then there are my friends, and JP's friends. Listing all the ways in which our friends have shown how much they love me and loved JP would turn this into a novel. Suffice to say that the acts of love have not let up as time has passed. I read about widows whose friends seem to forget about the loss they have suffered and my heart breaks for them. My friends are the absolute tops. Those who knew him miss him, and they all show me every day in big and small ways how much they love and support me.
Of course no discussion of love could be complete without mention of Maddy. My sweet baby girl. JP loved her as much as any man has ever loved a dog. And she and I have been through a lot together recently. For a while I thought that 2012 was going to take my husband and our dog. But Maddy and I fought back. Her therapy team has given her a new lease on life, and while things are not easy for us, she is happy and sweet and I will continue to fight for her and provide her with the best care possible for as long as we have together.
Although I'm glad I can look at the past year and measure it in love, not just loss, I am glad to close the book on 2012. 2013 will not be without its trials and sorrows, but I look forward to the joys and healing it will no doubt bring as well.
And to bring it back to another lesson learned from musical theater...
Hasa Diga Eebowai
2012 kicked off with so much promise. JP, Max, Maddy and I spent NYE with my wonderful high school friends, who are like sisters to me, and their families (including not just husbands and kids, but siblings and cousins, too). We had just gathered together to meet the newest addition to our group, and I was thrilled to be welcoming in the new year with my girls. We put Max to bed and played board games, while Maddy snuck her big tongue into wine glasses. I remember feeling so lucky, blessed, and excited to see what 2012 would bring. There I was, with my perfect little family - sweet dog, perfect baby boy, married to my best friend - surrounded by friends, cocooned in love.
When my world crashed down around my ears, there were moments (and not the short kind) when I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. How would I ever experience love again when I had lost my true love, my best friend? Over the past 10 1/2 months, I have learned important lessons about love, and how much of it I have in my life, in so many different forms.
First and foremost, I have Max. As a mother, I get to experience a love that has no parallel. Hearing Max say "mama" or "mommy" gives my heart wings, and seeing JP in him - in his face, his personality, his expressions and movements - is a constant reminder of the love that brought him into this world. Not only that, but Max is a constant reminder that although JP is no longer physically with us, my love for him, and his love for me and Max, is not gone. We will always have that.
And where would I be without the love of my family? My parents have made so many sacrifices for us, and I am ashamed of how poor a job I do at showing them how much I appreciate everything they do for me and for Max. I am so lucky to have such a loving, understanding family. My parents have taken such amazing care of us. They have such a special relationship with Max, and although it has been a challenge for all of us to adjust to my attempt to balance family, school, and a social life, they have been wonderful. And let's face it - sometimes I need someone to reign me in. As for my brother, he has been a rock for me. He lets me vent about the frustrations that come from living with one's parents, and does a good job playing mediator when necessary. Not to mention being an amazing uncle to Max.
But the family love doesn't stop there, of course. I have the world's most wonderful mother in law. Max's Grammy is a pillar of strength and amazingness. Thinking about the losses she has suffered makes me so angry: losing her firstborn and her baby - how is it fair that someone so kind and wonderful should have to experience those tragedies? And yet she has not lost her faith. And she still manages to put everyone else before her, and take care of those around her. I'm in awe of her, and I am so glad we are close. Max has a wonderful family on his daddy's side of the family, and one of the intentions I have set for myself is to ensure that he has strong relationships with them. His cousins are so wonderful, and seeing them with him does my heart good.
Then there are my friends, and JP's friends. Listing all the ways in which our friends have shown how much they love me and loved JP would turn this into a novel. Suffice to say that the acts of love have not let up as time has passed. I read about widows whose friends seem to forget about the loss they have suffered and my heart breaks for them. My friends are the absolute tops. Those who knew him miss him, and they all show me every day in big and small ways how much they love and support me.
Of course no discussion of love could be complete without mention of Maddy. My sweet baby girl. JP loved her as much as any man has ever loved a dog. And she and I have been through a lot together recently. For a while I thought that 2012 was going to take my husband and our dog. But Maddy and I fought back. Her therapy team has given her a new lease on life, and while things are not easy for us, she is happy and sweet and I will continue to fight for her and provide her with the best care possible for as long as we have together.
Although I'm glad I can look at the past year and measure it in love, not just loss, I am glad to close the book on 2012. 2013 will not be without its trials and sorrows, but I look forward to the joys and healing it will no doubt bring as well.
And to bring it back to another lesson learned from musical theater...
Hasa Diga Eebowai
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