Marathon Monday

I'm not sure exactly where to start.  I've been pretty weepy all day, my heart aching for everyone affected by the tragic events at the Boston Marathon.  I'm sure that the fact that it's the 15th of the month doesn't help, either.

When today started, I was excited to get text updates about one of my best friends' progress in the marathon.  This amazing girl had a baby three months ago and she ran the Boston Marathon.  Hello, can you say Inspiring?  Rockstar? 

I was feeling good about where I was with school work, and still on a bit of a high from stringing together two muscle ups on the rings yesterday.  My biggest concern was whether I should go for a run or go to Crossfit (the workout was heavy lifting, including finding a one rep max shoulder press, and I knew my shoulders were shot after my less-than efficient work on the rings).  I opted to do the lifting, but eased off the shoulder work.  Just when I was thinking I should have run instead, I got a 35 pound PR (personal record) on my back squat, going from 135 to 170.  Win! 

When I finished Crossfit, I saw my friend's final result in the marathon.  3:24:45.  I was so proud of her.  The sun was shining, and I was just thinking about all the inspiring women in my life, having just seen some of the bad ass chicks from my gym who will be competing in the Crossfit Regionals getting meaty and putting in some good hard work at the box.  I purposely avoided any news or social media because I'd taped the Red Sox game.  I was feeling all warm and fuzzy - Patriots' Day, Marathon Day, and the only day when Jerry Remy gets to start the broadcast with "Buenos Dias, Amigos" due to the early start time (and points it out every year).  Marathon Monday is a big deal in Boston, a city steeped in history.  The marathon has been run since 1897.  The Red Sox have played at home on Patriots' Day since 1959.  Being from MA, despite never having lived in Boston, I just feel the "specialness" of this day. 

Then I got a text from a friend saying that our Marathon Mama was ok.  I assumed it was in reference to being exhausted from running a freaking marathon 3 1/2 months after having a baby.  But no, that's not what she meant.  And so I started following the shocking news.  Reaching out to friends to make sure they were ok, checking Facebook for posts from friends who live in Boston.  

Why can't people just be kind to one another?  This life is full of quite enough senseless loss and tragedy without us bringing it upon one another. 

Tomorrow, in between getting my hip dry needled and prepping for my next presentation (not exactly sure what I said in the one I did tonight...), I will be holding Max extra close and telling him I love him a few extra times.  Because you should never take a single moment for granted.

Stay strong, Boston...

Unfinished Business

Right now there are a lot of things that feel unsettled for me.

Here we are almost 14 months out and the estate still hasn't closed.  My lawyer has not responded to multiple emails asking what we're supposed to do to close the estate and get the accounts settled now that the guardianship hearing is over.  The hearing took place in January and the only communication I have received from his office since then has been in the form of invoices.  Awesome.

Then there is the question of what I'm going to do this summer.  Do I try to get an internship?  My grad school program requires two 300-hour internships, which can be done during any two of our three remaining semesters.  It would be good to get one done, but there is something to be said for taking advantage of this summer as my last chance to not be working, and enjoy outdoor activities with Max.  We're not going to get this chance again.  So I guess if something absolutely ideal comes my way, I won't say no.  But I also don't plan on settling.  It would be so fun to be able to go to parks with Max, to the lakefront, and be able to play outside now that he's a mobile, social little dude.  In the fall and spring semesters, I would have more time to space out the requisite hours, and working when it's not summer feels like less of a sacrifice, plus I'm planning on putting Max in a preschool program a couple days a week starting in the fall anyway.

Of course, I am stressed about the "what comes next?" question - after grad school.  Job, where we'll be, etc.  But that's just too massive to even think about right now.

And lastly, there's the business of me.  I saw this recently on someone's FB wall:

I feel like now that a year has passed, I'm out of the storm part.  There will always be cloudy days, and even hurricane season, but the big storm has, I believe, blown over.  And now I have to figure out who I am in its wake.  I've done some soul searching, especially since the holidays, trying to figure out who I am now, and who I want to be, and how to get there, and how I should be comporting myself along the way.  It is so incredibly difficult to go through this self-evaluation and self-discovery process under these circumstances.  Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personality disorder.  

At times, I revert back to parts of my younger self that really should have been left in college.  And that's not good because I say and do really stupid things, and I can't be acting like that because I'm 33 and I have a child.  I'm not the girl I was when I met JP at 23, and I'm also not the girl I lost him at 32, because much of that version of myself was shaped by him and by our relationship.  Losing your partner changes you in many more ways than those directly related to the loss and the grief.  You truly do have to become a different version of yourself.  And when I think about the fact that it took me 9 years to become the person I was when I lost JP, it's no wonder that I'm going through some growing pains with this new and unwelcome transition phase.

I've taken steps toward a better, stronger me, no doubt.  From going back to school to start a career to trying to do what's best for Max and his upbringing to going paleo and embracing Crossfit for my health and mental/emotional wellbeing.  But there are areas in which I feel profoundly inadequate, or like a complete failure.  It may be time for a list of goals...

I'll start with these:

• Spend more quality time with Max
• Focus on time management and increasing efficiency and productivity
• Start acting like a lady (who is 33 and has a toddler)
• Get more sleep

The Body of Christ Compels You

Made it through Easter, after a week of ups and downs.  And, ya know, today was a pretty good day.  I was not expecting that.

Max and I dyed eggs last night for the Easter Bunny to hide.  Now I know why they give you that little metal egg holder...I had so much dye under and around my fingernails that I had to paint them dark sparkly gray (which I'm not thrilled about, given that I have an internship interview Tuesday, but it's better than looking like I've been drilling for oil - that stuff does NOT come off).  And it wasn't a very toddler-friendly kit, but he had a great time helping.

When he woke up, I brought him out to the living room, and he saw one of the eggs and immediately said "Easter Bunny brought the egg!"  So cute.  He had a great time finding eggs with Disney characters and matchbox cars in them, but after about 10 minutes, my mom and I were ready to start giving him clues, much to my father's dismay.  I've never been a big fan of Easter egg hunts.  I guess I'm just more of an immediate gratification kinda girl...

After a nice (paleo) breakfast, we went to Easter Mass at the nearby church.  I was overdressed in my winter jacket and tights - it was so sunny and warm!  The church was beautiful, and I was so glad that I decided not to go to the one where JP's funeral was held.  Even though that one was where he and I had gone on Easter, it just makes me so sad every time I'm there.  This place was huge, crowded, and (just as my MIL promised) had wonderful music.  We were up with the instruments, so Max could see the big kettle drums, which I probably thought was cooler than he did.  He behaved perfectly during the service.  I came close to nodding off a couple times, probably because I was just trying not to think too much, but I did enjoy the music.

Next up was Crossfit.  I have to say, I love going to open gym.  Right now it's fun to watch people who are taking the Games WODs seriously, but I just like the vibe in general.  I'm getting more comfortable with figuring out what to do, what skills I want to work on, etc.  And it's fun to spend some time just seeing what people are doing.  I did something called the Filthy Fifty with a buddy, which is 50 reps each of 10 different movements:

• box jumps

• jumping pull ups

• kettle bell swings

• knees to elbows

• walking lunges

• push presses

• back extensions (we subbed abmat sit ups because my hip says back extensions are a no-go, along with pretty much any exercise that would work the same muscles)

• wall balls

• burpees

• double unders

It felt good to just do some hard work, and not think.

After, I stuck around and then worked on trying for muscle up number 2 on the rings.  I got it.  Nearly dislocated my thumb in the process, but it happened.  Definitely a fun skill to work on, despite the fact that my wrists and palms are a bit raw...

The rest of the afternoon was dedicated to homework and cooking.  Trader Joe's, Martha Stewart and I make a good team for Easter dinner - I'm just sayin'.  If you are what you eat, I am a lamb right now.  And Max is a bowl of mint jelly.

Max continued to be super cute all day, saying "Happy Easter Bunny to you" and talking about how the Easter Bunny rides a motorcycle (one of the toys from his eggs).  Man, that kid is a cutie!

And when it was time for him to go to bed, my mom had him, and he reached for me and said "mama sing."  That was the highlight of my day, for sure.

But as nice as today was, I am just happy to check off another holiday.  I know there's always going to be another rough spot on the horizon, but hopefully for a little while, I can just have a slice of normal.  Now, time to celebrate getting through today with a little wine and Game of Thrones. 

Fantastic Friday

Yesterday I was on a mission to beat the blues.  It was Good Friday and dag nab it, I was going to have a good Friday.  I felt like I was letting things get to me too much on Thursday.  So I was going to turn my frown upside down.

Max had a decent swimming class.  Not his best, but he had a good time, and is enjoying it SO much more than he used to.  I'm not a huge fan of having to stand around before class with all the parents who are there watching older kids, while I'm there with no pants on.  And I don't love that Max can unlock and open the changing room door (the whole locker room area is coed, upping the ante on the risk factor).  I also don't love spending 30 minutes in a pool that I know is full of pee, but that's the deal with kiddie swim classes, of course.  I just pretend that chlorine is akin to magic and pretend I don't know what's in the water when I demo blowing bubbles for Max.

My big moment was at Crossfit.  The Games WOD wasn't my best - I didn't do it at Rx, and my scaled down weight was plenty heavy for me.  I figured that it would be a better idea to get more work in and not aggravate my hip further, and not be worried about failing on the lifts (probably a good call since already when I went to PT after, my hips were way out of alignment).  After the workout, I wanted to get on the rings and work on muscle ups (going from hanging on rings, or a bar, to supporting yourself above them, or it).  We'd been working on them in gymnastics class, and they had been in a previous Games WOD, and I have been wanting to get one for a long time.  I had made them my goal for 2013.  I was close on Thursday night, and I was determined to keep trying until it happened.  After a couple kinda sorta close-to-almost-there attempts, and lots of feedback from the folks in the box who "have" them, I gave myself a deadline of 20 minutes (when I would have to go to PT for my hip).  I taped up my hand, having ripped some skin on the last attempt, and hopped back up.  And I did it!  It was not pretty, but it happened.  In the grand scheme of things, having muscle ups is Not a Big Deal.  But it's a goal I had set for myself, and I had been wanting it so badly.  And in the week before a holiday, hitting a goal like that was a serious win for me.  It erased a lot of the blah I'd been feeling.  It was great to have it happen when a good number of my CF buddies and coaches were there, too.  I pretty much had perma-grin for the rest of the day.

Now I can't wait to get back on the rings and make sure that one wasn't a fluke...and start stringing them together!

Here is what it looks like when a legit athlete does muscle ups, for those of you who aren't familiar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKcnpJSAsbo

Pre-Holiday Funk...Again

Since my last post, I've been meaning to share some of the positive things that have been going on in my life lately.  I've definitely made some strides and introduced some changes that have made me happier and healthier.  I've embraced paleo eating habits (no processed junk, no grains, no legumes, no dairy, no sweets - just lean meats, veggies, fruits, and nuts).  My energy level has risen noticeably, and I feel great.  Crossfit continues to be an amazing source of all kinds of good things for me - strength, community, support...and despite the fact that I have a messed-up sacroiliac joint that now requires PT, I'm continuing to see gains, while being mindful not to push myself too hard.

But somehow I just wasn't able to translate the positives into posts.  And I think it's because in the back of my mind, I knew that we were coming up on another holiday.  Holidays, no matter how little relevance they actually had for me and JP, are always going to be difficult.  Easter was not a big deal for us because we never celebrated it as a family.  We went to Mass, I would cook a big dinner, but let's be honest - Easter is about the bunny and the egg hunts and the candy.  And those are the parts that adults don't do on their own (with the exception of Cadbury Creme Eggs...)

Last year I was still in a daze at Easter.  And Max was too young to have any idea about the hoopla of the holiday.  This year is a whole different story.  We took pictures with the Easter Bunny at the local dog store (Maddy's favorite place in the whole wide world), and there has been constant talk about the Easter Bunny bringing fun stuff.  I have to get into it for Max.

I figured that given how well I've been doing, I would have no problem getting into the spirit and getting through, or even enjoying, the holiday.  But over the past week, I've been cranky and a bit blue.  And it wasn't until a friend pointed it out (in response to a text I sent about a regrettable late-night Girl Scout cookie binge) that I truly realized the extent to which the upcoming holiday has affected my mood and behavior. 

I've definitely been implementing some dubious coping mechanisms (see aforementioned cookie binge - not my finest moment).  And I've been testy with my mom (ok, so that happens regardless of holiday blues).  And I've been pretty unmotivated.  And a bit worried about the future, bummed about my hip being out of whack, and just feeling disengaged in general.  Just feeling "meh."

While I doubt there is any real "solution" to holiday-induced funks, I'm pretty certain that there are better ways of dealing with them than, say, drinking wine in bed or scarfing down Samoas.  Working out is a given for me, and tonight I plan on spending about 3 hours at the gym, Crossfitting my blues away.  Making adjustments is another - for example, I decided that it would be a good idea for us to switch and go to a different church on Sunday.  The one we usually go to is the one where JP's funeral was held, and while I may go back to that one some day (it's where he and I went on Easter), right now, it's not a place where I feel much peace.  Christmas Mass there was horrible for me.  We'll see if the change in venue helps at all.  And no doubt I will be going on a cleaning rampage while my parents are out to dinner tomorrow night.  That is always a good little therapy session for me.  Also, I got to use my favorite funk-reduction technique, which is buying plane tickets.  Booked myself and Max for our trip to Western Mass for my 15th high school reunion.  While I'm out there, not only will I see some of my closest, most awesomest gal pals and their progeny, but will also get to see some childhood friends, one of whom will be in town from Costa Rica, and their little ones.  I'm "wicked psyched," to use some Masshole lingo. 

And of course I'm also going to just let myself sit in my grief a bit.  I'm going to make time for that over the weekend, rather than just trying to beat it down and ignore it, or stay too busy to acknowledge it.  This is a part of me, and a part of my relationship with JP, and I have to honor that and give the tears their time, too. 

Milestones and March Madness

Yikes.  It has been a Long time since I blogged.  Things have just been a little crazy here.  I'll try to keep this short.

First, I survived February.  With the exception of a couple minor incidents, which I will chalk up to end-of-the-worst-month-insanity, I pretty much kicked February's butt.  I survived my first birthday without JP.  Valentine's Day.  And the one-year sadiversary.  There was definitely some sharking happening, and I had the support of some amazing friends and family to get me through it all.

I had an idea in my head that on 2/15/13, I would post about 2/15/12.  But I didn't have it in me.  Maybe at some point, but right now, I'm not ready to go back to that night.  And honestly, I think I had put So Much on the year mark that it was almost just a relief to reach it, to get past it.  JP's mom had been staying with us, and she had a wonderful visit with Max, who charmed her completely (of course).  It was so good to see the two of them together, and he was so attached to her - I'm not sure if it meant more to her or to me to see that!  He got sick - norovirus, maybe - on the 14th, and it was the first time I've seen him puke, or be legitimately out-of-it, so it was a huge relief that it only lasted a few hours.  That night, my friend Erica (the one who coined the term widow mouth) arrived, and it was so nice to have her by my side for the weekend.

On the day of the 15th, we had a memorial mass.  The chapel looked like it was some weird addition to a hunting lodge, but there were a bunch of folks who showed up, which meant so much to me and to Gail.  Despite a bit of a freak-out on my part due to one of the guys who did the readings putting out a prayer that the IL house would not pass the bill for gay marriage (thankfully Erica calmed me down before I totally lost it), it was a very nice ceremony.  After, Gail treated a bunch of us to breakfast, where Max had a blast devouring waffles.

That night, people congregated at the house.  It was a fitting celebration of JP - we had a slideshow going, and Max was up late raging around with the kids and enjoying the company of some of his favorite people.  I just remember feeling very much at peace, knowing that JP would want me to spend that night surrounded by some of the most important people in our lives.  And the next night, just as he would have expected, Erica and I went out and danced our butts off in Boystown.

I had heard many times that things get easier after the year mark.  And I do think something changed.  Of course I'm always going to carry this heavy sorrow with me.  I'm always going to miss him.  I'm going to shed many tears.  There are going to be many milestones and difficult times of every year, when I just want to scream about how unfair it is, how much I miss him, how much I would give to bring him back.  But with the passage of the year, I find myself more able to look forward, more at ease with this next chapter. 

In March I rewarded myself for making it through February.  Max and I spent the first 6 days in Albuquerque visiting my brother and his girlfriend.  When Erik got home from work, Max saw him through the gate and yelled "Uncle!" - which Erik claimed was the best moment of his life.  We had a wonderful visit, involving lots of good food, a great trip to Santa Fe, hiking, and exploring the Nob Hill area.  Max was a rock star traveler, and I managed to get the two of us, his stroller, 2 bags (suitcase and backpack), and his huge car seat from the baggage carousel to the cab and into the house with no problems.  I fell even more in love with the Southwest, and can't wait for our next visit.

We got a bonus day due to weather in Chicago, and upon our return, I literally handed Max off to my parents at the airport, jumped in the car to go home and get to class, and they got on a plane with him to Florida.  Thank goodness he is such a chill little jetsetter. 

While Max was living it up in Florida, I did a quick re-pack and headed to Colorado.  A group of my college friends was meeting up to surprise my friend Lily's husband for his 30th birthday.  Yeah, that's right - for his birthday, all her crazy rugby friends showed up.  The party was great, and he was completely surprised, and the next morning we all headed to Steamboat for a weekend of skiing. 

Despite some ominous weather forecasts, and a bit of a detour around the mountains, we made it to Steamboat and had a fantastic weekend.  I was glad I took a lesson the first day so that I was able to ski with the members of the group who were ok with taking it a bit easier on the second day.  Lots of wonderful memories from the long weekend, and I can't wait to get the next trip on the books.

So it's been a whirlwind over the past month, and on the 15th of this month was the first time that I didn't even think about the date.  It was the first time in 13 months that I had a legitimately GOOD 15th of the month. 

Couple pics from ABQ - hiking at Tent Rocks National Monument, and lunch at The Shed in Santa Fe.

...Birthday to me

On Friday I had my first birthday as a widow.  And thanks to the support of my amazing friends, I managed to get through it without any major meltdowns.  Happy?  I don't know.  Not while I was sober...but I had a fun group out with me that night, and I definitely managed to compartmentalize and enjoy the evening.  There are parts I don't remember, and that might not be such a bad thing.

So, one more milestone checked off the list.  Survived.

Next up is the one-two punch of Valentine's Day and the one-year mark.  My friend Erica, one of my superstar friends, is coming to be with me, arriving Thursday night.  I have made a promise to myself and to JP that she and I will have fun together despite how awful Friday will be.  He loved her, and I know he would want me to have fun with her while she's here being the amazing support system she has been through this and so much else.

And JP's mom is here for the week.  She and Max are having an absolute blast.  She is so impressed by how verbal he is, and how amazing in general.  He wakes up from naps looking for Grammy, and has just completely taken to her.  It warms my heart to see them together.

They're going to have a long day tomorrow, with me being out of the house for school from 1pm until 9:30pm, but I'm sure they'll do fine.  I was pretty stressed about this week, with all the work I have to do, and the weather making it so that there are no options for outdoor activities, but I'm realizing that what needs to get done will get done, and I just have to let go a little.  It will all be fine.

Heartbreak

February strikes again.

Yesterday I received the heartbreaking news that a dear friend lost her baby, more than halfway through her pregnancy.  I simply cannot imagine what she must be going through right now.  And on top of that devastating loss, she is recovering from emergency surgery.  My heart is breaking for her and her family.  As I have mentioned before, I have a hard time processing others' losses, as I have no choice but to filter everything through my own grief.  The loss of a child is the only thing I can imagine as being worse than the loss of a spouse.  I don't want to even think about the emotions she must be feeling now, and indeed will feel forever.  I can only hope that her physical healing goes quickly, and that she is able to find some peace in the future.

This friend is a tough cookie.  She has her head screwed on right, has always been very pragmatic, and has a warm, sparkling personality.  She has a wonderful sense of humor, and doesn't take herself, or anyone else, too seriously.  She is a fiercely loyal friend, and she is the kind of girl you want to have on your side (she can be a bit intimidating!)  I hope for her sake, and for that of her family, that she pulls through this with the strength and perseverance that I have always seen in her.  I hope she doesn't lose her ability to laugh, to be light.

I hope that when she is ready to talk, or to cry, that she will be able to call me and know that I want her to share with me.

Seriously, February, are you kidding me?

The Big Game

First Super Bowl without JP.  I think if the Patriots had been in it, it would have been incredibly difficult.  As it was, I paid little attention to the game, and managed to have a nice time.

The first Super Bowl I watched with JP was in 2004, Patriots versus Panthers.  I remember we accidentally ended up at a Carolina bar in NYC.  The owner was a former star of Duke's basketball team.  And we had been referencing Office Space, and then a couple minutes later, Ron Livingston came in and sat right by us.  Weird.  And when the Pats won, the bar owner brought us a cheese and sausage platter as well as a bottle of champagne.  So nice!  The following year, I think we went to another bar.  I know we were in NYC, but I can't remember details.  In 2006, I was about to move to Chicago and things were a little strained between us.  I think that I was in MA and he was in Chicago.  In 2007, we had thrown my birthday party the night before, and my guess is that we watched it by ourselves at his condo.  In 2008, we were in DC and the Pats were playing the Giants.  I just remember that we turned off the tv with 2 minutes to go, and went to bed.  The next day, JP got to work to find that his Giants fan assistant had put Giants posters all over his office, in all his drawers, etc.  Pretty good prank.  In 2009, I think we threw a party.  We were back in Chicago, and I remember thinking I would never throw another Super Bowl party because I didn't get to watch any of the game or commercials due to being on hostess duty.  This was right before we got Maddy, before we went to St. John.  2010 and 2011 I have to say I don't remember.  I am guessing that we had done my karaoke 30th birthday party the night before the 2010 game, based on the dates.  In 2011 I was pregnant, so I'm guessing we just watched it at home, but I really don't remember.

Last year, all 3 of us put on all our Pats attire.  JP had been so excited about Max's first Super Bowl.  We expected a Patriots victory, of course.  Max didn't last much longer than kickoff, and neither did the Pats.  Once again, after a disappointing loss to the Giants, the jerseys were stripped off and tossed into the closet before the game ended, and we vowed not to speak of football until the next season.  Little did we know, there would be no next season.  Little did we know that our time together would end in 10 days' time.

This time of year used to be exciting.  Even if the Patriots weren't in the Super Bowl, I always enjoyed watching it with JP.  And now it's just another crappy part of a horrible month.  I'm glad I did something different, with people who didn't know JP.  I think that helped.  But I was missing my football fanatic, and I always will on Super Bowl Sunday.

Abundance

I have a set of Angel cards from years and years ago - high school, probably.  For anyone unfamiliar with Angel cards, they are just these little cards with inspirational words on them.  I'm not sure if they're supposed to work more as fortunes or suggestions for qualities you should try to embody, but either way, I just like them.  Lately I've been finding myself pulling cards on a pretty regular basis.  A few months ago, when I was really starting to get into making progress at CrossFit, I pulled the Strength card.  And more recently, when I was a bit lost and confused and not in a great place, I pulled the Clarity card (and took a picture, which ironically came out super blurry!)  After pulling the Clarity card, I got some things sorted out and ended up feeling like I was in a much better place.

Tonight I pulled Abundance.  My first thought was WTF.  I mean, it's February.  February = loss to me.  February means feeling utterly bereft and robbed and alone.  Abundance?  Maybe it was referring to the massive quantity of calories I consumed while having a girls' day today.

But then I took a moment to think about it.  What do I have in abundance?  Friends, love, support.  And lots of activities on my calendar.  I've managed to stay incredibly busy for the first two days of February, and I don't plan on slowing down until the end.  I am booking myself solid this month, and hoping that by staying busy and distracted, I will get past the 15th and out of the month without completely falling apart.

What else do I have in abundance?  Strength, for sure.  And faith that things will get better.