Sunshine and Rainbows

Life is not all sunshine and rainbows.  I know that as well as anyone.  You might think it's all sunshine and rainbows one minute, and the next get struck by lightning, have your entire life rocked to the core by a thunderclap of epic proportions, which, BTW, was NOT in the forecast.  

And it would be delusional to think that the storms will every truly go away.  They will pass, but they will come again.  

Now, when there is sunshine, either in the weather outside or inside of me, I take the time to acknowledge it, and be thankful for it.  

Yesterday and today were pretty sunshiny and rainbow-esque, despite the pouring rain yesterday (and the smell of worms drowning on the sidewalk last night - least favorite part of spring!).

I had the nicest lunch date with Max yesterday.  We both did some coloring (mine was a little better than his, but I'll cut him some slack since he is not even 2 yet), he did some dancing, and he even stayed in the high chair for the whole meal.  

Then I worked out, and despite the first part of the WOD being snatches, plus a horrible rowing piece and then clapping pushups and v-ups (yuck and ugh!), I had a good workout.  

And then.  And THEN my amazing friend Anthony brought over frakking AMAZEBALLS pumpkin cheesecake.  Dude can bake.  Best cheesecake I have ever tasted.  I feel like I need a moment alone just thinking about that cheesecake.  Plus a sweet internship-eve card.  If you don't have a friend like this, I suggest you go out and find one.  Like right now.  Pretty sure everyone who knows him counts him in their "favorite people" list.  Because he's seriously the nicest person ever, so thoughtful and says the right things.  Like he never says the wrong things, which people so often do.  And when I told my mom he bakes (she's met him and loves him), she said something along the lines of, "that Anthony seems like quite a catch," to which Max responded "Anthony a catch!  Anthony a catch...fish!"  Hilarious.  And ladies, he is available.  I'm not sure how (not only is he smart, funny, thoughtful, and a phenom in the kitchen, but he is also a big sexy beast - a true modern day Renaissance man), but he is.  

Aaand before he stops bringing me baked goods and wants to smack me for embarrassing him, I will move on.  But Anthony, if you ever need someone to pen a personal ad for you for Craigslist, I'd be more than happy to do the honors ;)

Moving on, then.

Today was the first day of my internship.  I'm working with a consulting company on training and HR initiatives.  Really excited about the team I'm working for, and all the projects I'll be able to be involved in.  One is a big, brand new training initiative that will take place over 3 days in Vegas.  And guess what?  They're bringing me.  Even though I will be working my butt off, I am super psyched.  Vegas is, of course, one of my happy places.  

I'm working part-time until after my classes officially end on May 1, then going full-time.  It's going to be a busy summer, but will be totally worth it, I can already tell.

Went straight from my internship to a meeting, then class.  And when I got home, Max was out on the patio and did this little happy dance when he saw me.  Highlight of the day!  He was so cute, and was adorable all through dinner.

I even got a workout in today - and PR'd on my front squat and ran a decently fast mile.  I felt like I had to go to Crossfit after doing some serious paleo cheating...it might be time for another strict 30 days soon.

So right now, even though I know this summer will be tough, and even though tomorrow will be exhausting (going in early to register for the summer semester before work, then rushing home to take Maddy to therapy, PT for my hip, then 2 Crossfit classes in the evening...), I'm feeling the warmth of the sun and admiring all the colors of the rainbow.

Life is not always good.  But when it is, soak it up.

Take a Moment to Reflect

Today, all across MA, at 2:50pm, bells rang and folks participated in a moment of silence to honor victims of the Boston Marathon bombing.  At Gillette, they spelled out Boston for an aerial photo.  The image of the crowd by the marathon finish line is touching.  I'm sure that thoughtful demonstrations took place at college campuses across the state.

As I was taking a moment of silence here in Chicago, with my heart and mind focused on Massachusetts, I decided to take a moment of reflection for myself.  I had been a little disappointed in my workout today - I'm being extremely conservative with my hip, so I had to adjust the programming, and wasn't able to get a new PR on my shoulder press.  I'm definitely in denial about the fact that starting the day after tomorrow, I am going to be losing a lot of my time with Max, as well as freedom in my schedule.  And, as usual, there are just a list of things that I'm not feeling great about.

But it is a gorgeous day in Chicago (I'm out in the sunshine, where I have been sitting and working on homework that I'm really enjoying despite it being finals time!), and I think it's so important to take time here and there to just reflect on the good things.  They don't have to be big good things either; they can be little reminders of the many pieces that come together to make a day, an afternoon, a moment, good.

Just to reiterate, it is Lovely here.  Sun is out, it's not too hot or too chilly.  This is a welcome change from the monsoons, snow, and general cold dreariness we have been experiencing thus far this April.

So I couldn't PR on my shoulder press.  Who cares?  I'm reminding myself that I made a deal with myself a while back that I would not get caught up on getting heavier and heavier on my lifts.  And just last night I made the call to get rid of a purple halter dress that used to look so good because now with my jacked shoulders and arms, it makes me look a bit like a cross-dresser.  I love being fit and making progress with my abilities, but I don't necessarily need to be building so much strength (slash muscle slash mass!).  Is this my attempt to justify "failures" to my competitive nature?  Maybe.  But even if I'm not adding more weight to the Olympic bar than I was a few months ago, I am seeing progress - in my ring muscle ups, handstand push ups, being able to use a heavier wall ball or kettle bell, shaving time off of workouts.  So it's ok to level off a bit on weightlifting.

Max is getting cuter and smarter every day.  He is so funny, so in tune with his surrounding and so interested in everything, and boy does that kid love to eat!  My parents and I pretty much all eat at different times, so he basically just goes from his meal to the next to the next all morning and into the late afternoon.  Yeah, he takes after both of his parents - champion chow hounds, the both of us.

Maddy is doing well.  She even got on the outdoor couch without assistance today.  She's going for long walks (while I rock out to Liz Phair and look like a crazy person in my Crossfit duds).

I have awesome friends, and am reminded of this constantly.  I don't get to see enough of them - even the ones who live in Chicago - but I have an amazing group of people in my life, and that network continues to grow, which makes me happy because it's not always easy for me to make friends, especially considering everything I'm dealing with now.  Friends, you rock.  If I don't tell you all that enough, I apologize, but know that I'm thinking it all the time, and I appreciate everything you do for me.

And my parents - yeah, I'm a lucky girl.  Knowing that Max will be with them when I'm away all day at work is what makes me think I will be able to make it through on a daily basis without breaking down in tears. And I swear I will try to give them more opportunities for breaks (though with Max entering preschool, they will be getting more time without him already).

Hmm, I guess I got into some bigger things there, but back to a little one - Game of Thrones.  Man I love that show.  And just when I was afraid that Khaleesi wasn't going to make an appearance in last night's episode, BAM!  I watched that scene at least 3 times.  I would like to have a soundtrack of her speaking in Valyrian to play whenever I need to get amped up for something.

Also, last night I tried on ALL of the clothes that are hanging in my closet because I have to weed stuff out.  Didn't manage to put much in the "to go" pile (except that dress - grr) but I am going to make an effort to actually wear more of my clothes.  Maybe going to my internship (which doesn't require wearing a suit, but will require not just wearing my workout clothes all day...) will help.  It might be nice to be able to put "real" clothes on (for at least a week, anyway)

And now it's time to get ready for the last meeting of my Org Culture and Design class with my favorite instructor.  The best part is that it's all presentations and I did mine last week.  So I can just sit back, relax, and as long as I ask a couple of questions, I'm golden.

Why don't you join me in taking a moment to reflect on a handful of things that are good in your life right now, or just letting go of the less-than-stellar things on your mind?

What a long strange trip

That Onion article that's done the rounds on FaceBook said it best: "Jesus, This Week!"

The past week has certainly been full of...intense stuff.  Being from MA, and due to the fact that what happened at the marathon, and then on Friday in Watertown, was an act of terrorism rather than an accident, I admittedly didn't pay much attention to the explosion in West, TX.  (Side note: who names a town just West?  I'm convinced they were smoking something.)  My heart has been in Boston for this past week, and I spent much of Friday evening glued to the TV watching coverage of the chase and apprehension of the terror team.  I'm glad that I got to see the apprehension play out with Max.  While we watched the news, when he heard sirens, he would yell, "sirens, sirens!  Hurry, hurry!  Go go firetruck!"  So cute.

I am so proud to be from MA right now.  To see the way the city went into lockdown, the way the community as a whole pulled together, the way those in power said "oh hell no, I did NOT leave the South Side for this!" and got the job done... (yes, I just had to put a Mean Girls reference in there).  I am proud to be a Masshole.  The first responders, the law enforcement teams that put their lives in danger to find the Tsarnaevs - Boston Strong, indeed.

And it's no secret that Boston's sports teams are an integral part of the city, of the entire regional culture.  We are a fan base that refers to ourselves as simply "the Nation."  I mean, we even held elections for the position of President of Red Sox Nation.  Whether or not you pay your dues to be a card-carrying (no joke) member of Red Sox Nation, if you're from New England (and you like sports), you go on the emotional roller coaster of highs and lows with every baseball/football/hockey/basketball season.  In "Title Town," there are high expectations of our teams.  And so it should come as no surprise that our teams, and their fans, did great things to help the community, and the country, start the healing process.  From fundraising efforts for the victims, to Bruins fans taking over on the National Anthem, to the Bruins players giving the shirts off their backs to first responders, to the touching tribute (f-bomb and all) before Saturday's Red Sox game, these teams are doing their part to bring back their fans' spirits.  Boston Strong.

In light of everything, what originally seemed like an overwhelming week for me personally is certainly trifling in comparison.  I had two final presentations on Monday and Wednesday, and my school Assessment Center (meant to help us see where we are with the competencies we should be learning through our curriculum, and allow us to come up with a developmental plan for the remainder of the program).  I didn't think anything went particularly poorly, or particularly well.  It was all just fine, and I was happy to be done.  I ended up rewarding myself with a very fun Saturday, not the day I had planned, but one of those fun, random days/nights.  Super ridiculous, super fun, and it ended with lots of cookies and no paleo guilt.

JP would have been so proud of the way that Boston responded to the bombings.  No doubt he would have ordered every Boston Strong, B Strong, and One Boston shirt he could find.  I wonder how I would have experienced this 15+ months ago.  Would I have gotten so emotional about the whole situation?  Would I have cried at every tribute/national anthem?  I don't know.  Once again, my grief and sense of loss creates a strange filter through which I experience anything involving grief or loss.  And there is the fact that it was Boston, which JP would always refer to as "home" for both of us, though neither of us ever lived within the city limits, and we never even lived in MA together.

Anyway.  Events like this make us all realize that we cannot, should not, take anything in this life for granted.  As I take some deep breaths in preparation for a summer working at a full-time internship on top of classes, and wonder when I will see Max, I have to just remember to appreciate and take advantage of every moment.  The internship is a good thing, for me and for Max.  I will still have some time with him in the evenings, and, yes, I will probably be waking him up in the mornings before I take off.  And I am going to pack so much fun into the weekends, it's going to be ridiculous.  I know I'm going to be exhausted, trying to keep up with my internship, classes, Max, Crossfit, and also trying to maintain some semblance of a social life (hello, street festivals and all my favorite cover bands!), but somehow I will find the energy to live life to the fullest.  I will find my inner reserve of Boston Strong.

Marathon Monday

I'm not sure exactly where to start.  I've been pretty weepy all day, my heart aching for everyone affected by the tragic events at the Boston Marathon.  I'm sure that the fact that it's the 15th of the month doesn't help, either.

When today started, I was excited to get text updates about one of my best friends' progress in the marathon.  This amazing girl had a baby three months ago and she ran the Boston Marathon.  Hello, can you say Inspiring?  Rockstar? 

I was feeling good about where I was with school work, and still on a bit of a high from stringing together two muscle ups on the rings yesterday.  My biggest concern was whether I should go for a run or go to Crossfit (the workout was heavy lifting, including finding a one rep max shoulder press, and I knew my shoulders were shot after my less-than efficient work on the rings).  I opted to do the lifting, but eased off the shoulder work.  Just when I was thinking I should have run instead, I got a 35 pound PR (personal record) on my back squat, going from 135 to 170.  Win! 

When I finished Crossfit, I saw my friend's final result in the marathon.  3:24:45.  I was so proud of her.  The sun was shining, and I was just thinking about all the inspiring women in my life, having just seen some of the bad ass chicks from my gym who will be competing in the Crossfit Regionals getting meaty and putting in some good hard work at the box.  I purposely avoided any news or social media because I'd taped the Red Sox game.  I was feeling all warm and fuzzy - Patriots' Day, Marathon Day, and the only day when Jerry Remy gets to start the broadcast with "Buenos Dias, Amigos" due to the early start time (and points it out every year).  Marathon Monday is a big deal in Boston, a city steeped in history.  The marathon has been run since 1897.  The Red Sox have played at home on Patriots' Day since 1959.  Being from MA, despite never having lived in Boston, I just feel the "specialness" of this day. 

Then I got a text from a friend saying that our Marathon Mama was ok.  I assumed it was in reference to being exhausted from running a freaking marathon 3 1/2 months after having a baby.  But no, that's not what she meant.  And so I started following the shocking news.  Reaching out to friends to make sure they were ok, checking Facebook for posts from friends who live in Boston.  

Why can't people just be kind to one another?  This life is full of quite enough senseless loss and tragedy without us bringing it upon one another. 

Tomorrow, in between getting my hip dry needled and prepping for my next presentation (not exactly sure what I said in the one I did tonight...), I will be holding Max extra close and telling him I love him a few extra times.  Because you should never take a single moment for granted.

Stay strong, Boston...

Unfinished Business

Right now there are a lot of things that feel unsettled for me.

Here we are almost 14 months out and the estate still hasn't closed.  My lawyer has not responded to multiple emails asking what we're supposed to do to close the estate and get the accounts settled now that the guardianship hearing is over.  The hearing took place in January and the only communication I have received from his office since then has been in the form of invoices.  Awesome.

Then there is the question of what I'm going to do this summer.  Do I try to get an internship?  My grad school program requires two 300-hour internships, which can be done during any two of our three remaining semesters.  It would be good to get one done, but there is something to be said for taking advantage of this summer as my last chance to not be working, and enjoy outdoor activities with Max.  We're not going to get this chance again.  So I guess if something absolutely ideal comes my way, I won't say no.  But I also don't plan on settling.  It would be so fun to be able to go to parks with Max, to the lakefront, and be able to play outside now that he's a mobile, social little dude.  In the fall and spring semesters, I would have more time to space out the requisite hours, and working when it's not summer feels like less of a sacrifice, plus I'm planning on putting Max in a preschool program a couple days a week starting in the fall anyway.

Of course, I am stressed about the "what comes next?" question - after grad school.  Job, where we'll be, etc.  But that's just too massive to even think about right now.

And lastly, there's the business of me.  I saw this recently on someone's FB wall:

I feel like now that a year has passed, I'm out of the storm part.  There will always be cloudy days, and even hurricane season, but the big storm has, I believe, blown over.  And now I have to figure out who I am in its wake.  I've done some soul searching, especially since the holidays, trying to figure out who I am now, and who I want to be, and how to get there, and how I should be comporting myself along the way.  It is so incredibly difficult to go through this self-evaluation and self-discovery process under these circumstances.  Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personality disorder.  

At times, I revert back to parts of my younger self that really should have been left in college.  And that's not good because I say and do really stupid things, and I can't be acting like that because I'm 33 and I have a child.  I'm not the girl I was when I met JP at 23, and I'm also not the girl I lost him at 32, because much of that version of myself was shaped by him and by our relationship.  Losing your partner changes you in many more ways than those directly related to the loss and the grief.  You truly do have to become a different version of yourself.  And when I think about the fact that it took me 9 years to become the person I was when I lost JP, it's no wonder that I'm going through some growing pains with this new and unwelcome transition phase.

I've taken steps toward a better, stronger me, no doubt.  From going back to school to start a career to trying to do what's best for Max and his upbringing to going paleo and embracing Crossfit for my health and mental/emotional wellbeing.  But there are areas in which I feel profoundly inadequate, or like a complete failure.  It may be time for a list of goals...

I'll start with these:

• Spend more quality time with Max
• Focus on time management and increasing efficiency and productivity
• Start acting like a lady (who is 33 and has a toddler)
• Get more sleep

The Body of Christ Compels You

Made it through Easter, after a week of ups and downs.  And, ya know, today was a pretty good day.  I was not expecting that.

Max and I dyed eggs last night for the Easter Bunny to hide.  Now I know why they give you that little metal egg holder...I had so much dye under and around my fingernails that I had to paint them dark sparkly gray (which I'm not thrilled about, given that I have an internship interview Tuesday, but it's better than looking like I've been drilling for oil - that stuff does NOT come off).  And it wasn't a very toddler-friendly kit, but he had a great time helping.

When he woke up, I brought him out to the living room, and he saw one of the eggs and immediately said "Easter Bunny brought the egg!"  So cute.  He had a great time finding eggs with Disney characters and matchbox cars in them, but after about 10 minutes, my mom and I were ready to start giving him clues, much to my father's dismay.  I've never been a big fan of Easter egg hunts.  I guess I'm just more of an immediate gratification kinda girl...

After a nice (paleo) breakfast, we went to Easter Mass at the nearby church.  I was overdressed in my winter jacket and tights - it was so sunny and warm!  The church was beautiful, and I was so glad that I decided not to go to the one where JP's funeral was held.  Even though that one was where he and I had gone on Easter, it just makes me so sad every time I'm there.  This place was huge, crowded, and (just as my MIL promised) had wonderful music.  We were up with the instruments, so Max could see the big kettle drums, which I probably thought was cooler than he did.  He behaved perfectly during the service.  I came close to nodding off a couple times, probably because I was just trying not to think too much, but I did enjoy the music.

Next up was Crossfit.  I have to say, I love going to open gym.  Right now it's fun to watch people who are taking the Games WODs seriously, but I just like the vibe in general.  I'm getting more comfortable with figuring out what to do, what skills I want to work on, etc.  And it's fun to spend some time just seeing what people are doing.  I did something called the Filthy Fifty with a buddy, which is 50 reps each of 10 different movements:

• box jumps

• jumping pull ups

• kettle bell swings

• knees to elbows

• walking lunges

• push presses

• back extensions (we subbed abmat sit ups because my hip says back extensions are a no-go, along with pretty much any exercise that would work the same muscles)

• wall balls

• burpees

• double unders

It felt good to just do some hard work, and not think.

After, I stuck around and then worked on trying for muscle up number 2 on the rings.  I got it.  Nearly dislocated my thumb in the process, but it happened.  Definitely a fun skill to work on, despite the fact that my wrists and palms are a bit raw...

The rest of the afternoon was dedicated to homework and cooking.  Trader Joe's, Martha Stewart and I make a good team for Easter dinner - I'm just sayin'.  If you are what you eat, I am a lamb right now.  And Max is a bowl of mint jelly.

Max continued to be super cute all day, saying "Happy Easter Bunny to you" and talking about how the Easter Bunny rides a motorcycle (one of the toys from his eggs).  Man, that kid is a cutie!

And when it was time for him to go to bed, my mom had him, and he reached for me and said "mama sing."  That was the highlight of my day, for sure.

But as nice as today was, I am just happy to check off another holiday.  I know there's always going to be another rough spot on the horizon, but hopefully for a little while, I can just have a slice of normal.  Now, time to celebrate getting through today with a little wine and Game of Thrones. 

Fantastic Friday

Yesterday I was on a mission to beat the blues.  It was Good Friday and dag nab it, I was going to have a good Friday.  I felt like I was letting things get to me too much on Thursday.  So I was going to turn my frown upside down.

Max had a decent swimming class.  Not his best, but he had a good time, and is enjoying it SO much more than he used to.  I'm not a huge fan of having to stand around before class with all the parents who are there watching older kids, while I'm there with no pants on.  And I don't love that Max can unlock and open the changing room door (the whole locker room area is coed, upping the ante on the risk factor).  I also don't love spending 30 minutes in a pool that I know is full of pee, but that's the deal with kiddie swim classes, of course.  I just pretend that chlorine is akin to magic and pretend I don't know what's in the water when I demo blowing bubbles for Max.

My big moment was at Crossfit.  The Games WOD wasn't my best - I didn't do it at Rx, and my scaled down weight was plenty heavy for me.  I figured that it would be a better idea to get more work in and not aggravate my hip further, and not be worried about failing on the lifts (probably a good call since already when I went to PT after, my hips were way out of alignment).  After the workout, I wanted to get on the rings and work on muscle ups (going from hanging on rings, or a bar, to supporting yourself above them, or it).  We'd been working on them in gymnastics class, and they had been in a previous Games WOD, and I have been wanting to get one for a long time.  I had made them my goal for 2013.  I was close on Thursday night, and I was determined to keep trying until it happened.  After a couple kinda sorta close-to-almost-there attempts, and lots of feedback from the folks in the box who "have" them, I gave myself a deadline of 20 minutes (when I would have to go to PT for my hip).  I taped up my hand, having ripped some skin on the last attempt, and hopped back up.  And I did it!  It was not pretty, but it happened.  In the grand scheme of things, having muscle ups is Not a Big Deal.  But it's a goal I had set for myself, and I had been wanting it so badly.  And in the week before a holiday, hitting a goal like that was a serious win for me.  It erased a lot of the blah I'd been feeling.  It was great to have it happen when a good number of my CF buddies and coaches were there, too.  I pretty much had perma-grin for the rest of the day.

Now I can't wait to get back on the rings and make sure that one wasn't a fluke...and start stringing them together!

Here is what it looks like when a legit athlete does muscle ups, for those of you who aren't familiar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKcnpJSAsbo

Pre-Holiday Funk...Again

Since my last post, I've been meaning to share some of the positive things that have been going on in my life lately.  I've definitely made some strides and introduced some changes that have made me happier and healthier.  I've embraced paleo eating habits (no processed junk, no grains, no legumes, no dairy, no sweets - just lean meats, veggies, fruits, and nuts).  My energy level has risen noticeably, and I feel great.  Crossfit continues to be an amazing source of all kinds of good things for me - strength, community, support...and despite the fact that I have a messed-up sacroiliac joint that now requires PT, I'm continuing to see gains, while being mindful not to push myself too hard.

But somehow I just wasn't able to translate the positives into posts.  And I think it's because in the back of my mind, I knew that we were coming up on another holiday.  Holidays, no matter how little relevance they actually had for me and JP, are always going to be difficult.  Easter was not a big deal for us because we never celebrated it as a family.  We went to Mass, I would cook a big dinner, but let's be honest - Easter is about the bunny and the egg hunts and the candy.  And those are the parts that adults don't do on their own (with the exception of Cadbury Creme Eggs...)

Last year I was still in a daze at Easter.  And Max was too young to have any idea about the hoopla of the holiday.  This year is a whole different story.  We took pictures with the Easter Bunny at the local dog store (Maddy's favorite place in the whole wide world), and there has been constant talk about the Easter Bunny bringing fun stuff.  I have to get into it for Max.

I figured that given how well I've been doing, I would have no problem getting into the spirit and getting through, or even enjoying, the holiday.  But over the past week, I've been cranky and a bit blue.  And it wasn't until a friend pointed it out (in response to a text I sent about a regrettable late-night Girl Scout cookie binge) that I truly realized the extent to which the upcoming holiday has affected my mood and behavior. 

I've definitely been implementing some dubious coping mechanisms (see aforementioned cookie binge - not my finest moment).  And I've been testy with my mom (ok, so that happens regardless of holiday blues).  And I've been pretty unmotivated.  And a bit worried about the future, bummed about my hip being out of whack, and just feeling disengaged in general.  Just feeling "meh."

While I doubt there is any real "solution" to holiday-induced funks, I'm pretty certain that there are better ways of dealing with them than, say, drinking wine in bed or scarfing down Samoas.  Working out is a given for me, and tonight I plan on spending about 3 hours at the gym, Crossfitting my blues away.  Making adjustments is another - for example, I decided that it would be a good idea for us to switch and go to a different church on Sunday.  The one we usually go to is the one where JP's funeral was held, and while I may go back to that one some day (it's where he and I went on Easter), right now, it's not a place where I feel much peace.  Christmas Mass there was horrible for me.  We'll see if the change in venue helps at all.  And no doubt I will be going on a cleaning rampage while my parents are out to dinner tomorrow night.  That is always a good little therapy session for me.  Also, I got to use my favorite funk-reduction technique, which is buying plane tickets.  Booked myself and Max for our trip to Western Mass for my 15th high school reunion.  While I'm out there, not only will I see some of my closest, most awesomest gal pals and their progeny, but will also get to see some childhood friends, one of whom will be in town from Costa Rica, and their little ones.  I'm "wicked psyched," to use some Masshole lingo. 

And of course I'm also going to just let myself sit in my grief a bit.  I'm going to make time for that over the weekend, rather than just trying to beat it down and ignore it, or stay too busy to acknowledge it.  This is a part of me, and a part of my relationship with JP, and I have to honor that and give the tears their time, too. 

Milestones and March Madness

Yikes.  It has been a Long time since I blogged.  Things have just been a little crazy here.  I'll try to keep this short.

First, I survived February.  With the exception of a couple minor incidents, which I will chalk up to end-of-the-worst-month-insanity, I pretty much kicked February's butt.  I survived my first birthday without JP.  Valentine's Day.  And the one-year sadiversary.  There was definitely some sharking happening, and I had the support of some amazing friends and family to get me through it all.

I had an idea in my head that on 2/15/13, I would post about 2/15/12.  But I didn't have it in me.  Maybe at some point, but right now, I'm not ready to go back to that night.  And honestly, I think I had put So Much on the year mark that it was almost just a relief to reach it, to get past it.  JP's mom had been staying with us, and she had a wonderful visit with Max, who charmed her completely (of course).  It was so good to see the two of them together, and he was so attached to her - I'm not sure if it meant more to her or to me to see that!  He got sick - norovirus, maybe - on the 14th, and it was the first time I've seen him puke, or be legitimately out-of-it, so it was a huge relief that it only lasted a few hours.  That night, my friend Erica (the one who coined the term widow mouth) arrived, and it was so nice to have her by my side for the weekend.

On the day of the 15th, we had a memorial mass.  The chapel looked like it was some weird addition to a hunting lodge, but there were a bunch of folks who showed up, which meant so much to me and to Gail.  Despite a bit of a freak-out on my part due to one of the guys who did the readings putting out a prayer that the IL house would not pass the bill for gay marriage (thankfully Erica calmed me down before I totally lost it), it was a very nice ceremony.  After, Gail treated a bunch of us to breakfast, where Max had a blast devouring waffles.

That night, people congregated at the house.  It was a fitting celebration of JP - we had a slideshow going, and Max was up late raging around with the kids and enjoying the company of some of his favorite people.  I just remember feeling very much at peace, knowing that JP would want me to spend that night surrounded by some of the most important people in our lives.  And the next night, just as he would have expected, Erica and I went out and danced our butts off in Boystown.

I had heard many times that things get easier after the year mark.  And I do think something changed.  Of course I'm always going to carry this heavy sorrow with me.  I'm always going to miss him.  I'm going to shed many tears.  There are going to be many milestones and difficult times of every year, when I just want to scream about how unfair it is, how much I miss him, how much I would give to bring him back.  But with the passage of the year, I find myself more able to look forward, more at ease with this next chapter. 

In March I rewarded myself for making it through February.  Max and I spent the first 6 days in Albuquerque visiting my brother and his girlfriend.  When Erik got home from work, Max saw him through the gate and yelled "Uncle!" - which Erik claimed was the best moment of his life.  We had a wonderful visit, involving lots of good food, a great trip to Santa Fe, hiking, and exploring the Nob Hill area.  Max was a rock star traveler, and I managed to get the two of us, his stroller, 2 bags (suitcase and backpack), and his huge car seat from the baggage carousel to the cab and into the house with no problems.  I fell even more in love with the Southwest, and can't wait for our next visit.

We got a bonus day due to weather in Chicago, and upon our return, I literally handed Max off to my parents at the airport, jumped in the car to go home and get to class, and they got on a plane with him to Florida.  Thank goodness he is such a chill little jetsetter. 

While Max was living it up in Florida, I did a quick re-pack and headed to Colorado.  A group of my college friends was meeting up to surprise my friend Lily's husband for his 30th birthday.  Yeah, that's right - for his birthday, all her crazy rugby friends showed up.  The party was great, and he was completely surprised, and the next morning we all headed to Steamboat for a weekend of skiing. 

Despite some ominous weather forecasts, and a bit of a detour around the mountains, we made it to Steamboat and had a fantastic weekend.  I was glad I took a lesson the first day so that I was able to ski with the members of the group who were ok with taking it a bit easier on the second day.  Lots of wonderful memories from the long weekend, and I can't wait to get the next trip on the books.

So it's been a whirlwind over the past month, and on the 15th of this month was the first time that I didn't even think about the date.  It was the first time in 13 months that I had a legitimately GOOD 15th of the month. 

Couple pics from ABQ - hiking at Tent Rocks National Monument, and lunch at The Shed in Santa Fe.

...Birthday to me

On Friday I had my first birthday as a widow.  And thanks to the support of my amazing friends, I managed to get through it without any major meltdowns.  Happy?  I don't know.  Not while I was sober...but I had a fun group out with me that night, and I definitely managed to compartmentalize and enjoy the evening.  There are parts I don't remember, and that might not be such a bad thing.

So, one more milestone checked off the list.  Survived.

Next up is the one-two punch of Valentine's Day and the one-year mark.  My friend Erica, one of my superstar friends, is coming to be with me, arriving Thursday night.  I have made a promise to myself and to JP that she and I will have fun together despite how awful Friday will be.  He loved her, and I know he would want me to have fun with her while she's here being the amazing support system she has been through this and so much else.

And JP's mom is here for the week.  She and Max are having an absolute blast.  She is so impressed by how verbal he is, and how amazing in general.  He wakes up from naps looking for Grammy, and has just completely taken to her.  It warms my heart to see them together.

They're going to have a long day tomorrow, with me being out of the house for school from 1pm until 9:30pm, but I'm sure they'll do fine.  I was pretty stressed about this week, with all the work I have to do, and the weather making it so that there are no options for outdoor activities, but I'm realizing that what needs to get done will get done, and I just have to let go a little.  It will all be fine.